Good Stories from The Ladies Home Journal | Page 7

answered the tradesman.
"I only wanted to say," continued the minister, "that I use the milk for drinking purposes exclusively, and not for christening."

Nothing if Not Polite An interested visitor who was making the final call in the tenement district, rising, said:
"Well, my good woman, I must go now. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"No, thank ye, mem," replied the submerged one. "Ye mustn't mind it if I don't return the call, will ye? I haven't any time to go slummm' meself."

Her Little Game As a married couple were walking down one of the main thoroughfares of a city the husband noted the attention which other women obtained from passers-by, and remarked to his better half:
"Folks never look at you. I wish I had married some one better looking."
The woman tartly replied: "It's your fault. Do you think a man will stare at me when you're walking with me? You step behind and see whether men don't look at me."
The husband hung back about a dozen yards, and for the length of the street was surprised to see every man his wife passed stare hard at her and even turn around and look after her.
"Sure, lassie!" he exclaimed as he rejoined her, "I was wrong and take it back. I'll never say aught about your looks again."
The wife had made a face at every man she met.

A Case of Adaptation Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said;
"Are you troo?"
"Yes."
"You ain't got nuffin' more to say?"
"No."
"Well, all dem tings what you called me you is."

What Would Happen A woman agitator, holding forth on the platform and presenting the greatness other sex, cried out: "Take away woman and what would follow?"
And from the audience came a clear, male voice: "We would."

_Couldn't Fool Him That Far_
Years ago, when telephones were still a novelty, a farmer came to town one day and called on a lawyer friend of his whom he supplied with butter, and who had had a telephone recently put in his office.
"Need any butter this morning?" asked the farmer.
"Well, I don't know," answered the lawyer. "Wait a minute. I'll ask my wife about it."
After speaking through the 'phone he went on; "No; my wife says no."
The farmer's face was a study for a moment. Then he broke out with: "Look-a-here, Mr. Lawyer, I may be a 'Rube' and have my whiskers full of hay and hayseed, but I'm not such a big fool as to believe that your wife is in that box!"

And They Wondered!
At a banquet held in a room, the walls of which were adorned with many beautiful paintings, a well-known college president was called upon to respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with one of his characteristic gestures, he said: "What need is there of these painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?"

She Had Him That Time It was the same old story of a man who refused to tell his wife the outcome of a business transaction in which, naturally, she took a deep interest.
"No," he sneered, "I won't tell you. If I did you'd repeat it. You women can never keep a secret."
"John," said the woman quietly, "have I ever told the secret about the solitaire engagement ring you gave me eighteen years ago being paste?"

_Necessity: Not Choice_
A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Street in New York City.
"Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?" she demanded.
"Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
"No, I don't want to" the woman replied, "but I have to."

_Mr. Beecher's Prescription_
A country clergyman once called on Mr. Beecher and asked his advice about what to do with persons who go to sleep in church.
"Well," said Mr. Beecher, "I'll tell you what I do. When I first came to Plymouth Church I gave the sexton strict orders that if he saw any person asleep in my congregation he should go straight to the pulpit and wake up the minister."

A Recipe for a Bridal Couple It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers was a newly-married couple, who made themselves known Co such an extent that the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following language at his tormentors: "Yes, we're married--just married. We are going one hundred and sixty miles farther, and I am going