Five Little Plays | Page 7

words,_ HECTOR _standing
over him;_ BETTY _suddenly bursts into a peal of wild, uproarious
laughter, and lets herself fall into a chair to the left of the card-table._
HECTOR. [_Madly._] You!
[He leaves WALTER, _and almost springs at her._

BETTY. [_Brimming with merriment._] Oh, you old donkey! How we
have pulled your leg!
HECTOR. [_Staring at her, stopping dead short._] You--
BETTY. [_Through her laughter, choking._] Hector, Hector!
Conventional situations! The usual stodge! The lover and husband!
You goose, you wonderful old goose!
[WALTER, _with a mighty effort, has pulled himself together, and
roars with laughter too. He jumps up._ HECTOR _is standing there
blinking, paralysed._
WALTER. [_Merrily, to_ BETTY.] Oh really, you shouldn't. You've
given it away too soon!
BETTY. Too soon! He'd have strangled us. Did you ever see such a
tiger?
WALTER. [_Chuckling hugely._] He didn't give the lover much
chance to stand up to him, did he?
BETTY. And _wasn't_ he original! Dog, hound, villain, traitor!
WALTER. To say nothing of Jezebel! Though, between ourselves, I
think he meant Messalina!
BETTY. And I was to go into the street. But he did let me fill my bag!
WALTER. I think the playwrights come out on top, I do indeed. [He
goes to HECTOR, _and stands to left of him._] Hector, old chap, here's
the letter!
BETTY. [Going to the other side of HECTOR, _and dropping a low
curtsey._] And please, Mr. Husband, was it to be a big bag, or a small
bag, and might I have taken the silver teapot?
[HECTOR _has been standing there stupid, dazed, dumbfounded, too
bewildered for his mind to act or thoughts to come to him; he suddenly
bursts into a roar of Titanic, overwhelming laughter. He laughs, and
laughs, staggers to the sofa, falls on it, rocks and roars till the tears roll
down his cheeks. He sways from side to side, unable to control
himself--his laughter is so colossal that the infection catches the others;
theirs becomes genuine too._
BETTY. [_With difficulty, trying to control herself._] The letter! Old
Gillingham! "His name, scoundrel, his name!"
WALTER. [_Gurgling._] With his hand at my throat! Sit there, villain,
and write!
BETTY. "I'll deal with you presently! Wait till I've finished with

_him!_"
WALTER. "Into the street!" At least, they do usually say "into the
night!"
HECTOR. [_Rubbing his eyes and panting for breath._] Oh, you pair of
blackguards! Too bad--no, really too bad! It was! I fell in, I did! Oh,
Lord, oh, Lord, what a nightmare! But it wasn't right, really it
wasn't--no really! My Lord, how I floundered--head and shoulders--
swallowed it all! Comes of reading that muck every day--never stopped
to think! I didn't! Walter, old chap! [_He holds out his hand._] Betty!
My poor Betty! [_He draws her towards him._] The things I said to
you!
BETTY. [_Carelessly eluding the caress._] At least admit that you're
rather hard on the playwriting people!
HECTOR. [_Getting up and shaking himself._] Oh, they be blowed!
Well, you have had a game with me! [_He shakes himself again._]
Brrrrr! Oh, my Lord! What I went through!
BETTY. It was a lark! you should have seen yourself! Your eyes
starting out of your head! You looked like a murderer!
HECTOR. By Jove, and I felt it! For two pins I'd have--
BETTY. And Mary Gillingham! _That's_ the funniest part! That you
could have thought he was engaged--to _her!_
[Involuntarily the smile dies away on WALTER'S _face; he turns and
stares at her; she goes on calmly._
BETTY. When she happens to be the one girl in this world he can't
stand!
WALTER. [_With a movement that he can't control._] Betty!
BETTY. [_Turning smilingly to him._] No harm in my telling
Hector--he scarcely knows her! [She swings round to HECTOR
_again._] Why, Walter simply loathes the poor girl! That's what made
it so funny! [_At the mere thought of it she bursts out laughing again,
and goes on speaking through her laughter._] And I tell you--if you
ever hear he's engaged to _her_--why, you can believe the rest of the
story too!
HECTOR. [Laughing heartily as he pats WALTER _on the shoulder._]
Poor old Walter! And, d'you know, I was quite pleased at the thought
of his getting married! I was! [_He turns to him._] But it's better, old
chap, for us--we'd have missed you--terribly! [With another pat on

WALTER'S _shoulder, he goes to the fire, and drops in the letter._]
Mustn't leave that lying about! [_He turns._] Well, by Jove, if any one
had told me.... And drinking to him, and all!
BETTY. If you'll fetch me that glass of Hock now, I will drink to him,
Hector. To Walter, the Bachelor!
HECTOR. [_Beaming._] So we will! Good. I'll get it.
[_He bustles into the dining-room._
BETTY. [Moving swiftly to WALTER.] Well, now's your