Fantastic Fables | Page 8

waited till the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight.
"But the money, brother, the money that you collected!" said the Itinerant Preacher.
"Nothing is coming to you," was the reply; "the Adversary has hardened their hearts, and one fourth is all they gave."

A Hasty Settlement

"YOUR Honour," said an Attorney, rising, "what is the present status of this case - as far as it has gone?"
"I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will," said the Court, "put the costs upon the contestants, decided all questions relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the estate in litigation has been settled, with all controversies, disputes, misunderstandings, and differences of opinion thereunto appertaining."
"Ah, yes, I see," said the Attorney, thoughtfully, "we are making progress - we are getting on famously."
"Progress?" echoed the Judge - "progress? Why, sir, the matter is concluded!"
"Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give relevancy to the motion that I am about to make. Your Honour, I move that the judgment of the Court be set aside and the case reopened."
"Upon what ground, sir?" the Judge asked in surprise.
"Upon the ground," said the Attorney, "that after paying all fees and expenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there will still be something left."
"There may have been an error," said His Honour, thoughtfully - "the Court may have underestimated the value of the estate. The motion is taken under advisement."

The Wooden Guns

AN Artillery Regiment of a State Militia applied to the Governor for wooden guns to practise with.
"Those," they explained, "will be cheaper than real ones."
"It shall not be said that I sacrificed efficiency to economy," said the Governor. "You shall have real guns."
"Thank you, thank you," cried the warriors, effusively. "We will take good care of them, and in the event of war return them to the arsenal."

The Reform School Board

THE members of the School Board in Doosnoswair being suspected of appointing female teachers for an improper consideration, the people elected a Board composed wholly of women. In a few years the scandal was at an end; there were no female teachers in the Department.

The Poet's Doom

AN Object was walking along the King's highway wrapped in meditation and with little else on, when he suddenly found himself at the gates of a strange city. On applying for admittance, he was arrested as a necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the King.
"Who are you," said the King, "and what is your business in life?"
"Snouter the Sneak," replied the Object, with ready invention; "pick-pocket."
The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime Minister suggested that the prisoner's fingers be examined. They were found greatly flattened and calloused at the ends.
"Ha!" cried the King; "I told you so! - he is addicted to counting syllables. This is a poet. Turn him over to the Lord High Dissuader from the Head Habit."
"My liege," said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties, "I venture to suggest a keener affliction.
"Name it," the King said.
"Let him retain that head!"
It was so ordered.

The Noser and the Note

THE Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to be visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own personal note for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily touching his guitar, awaited the inspection. When the Noser came to the note he asked, "What's this?"
"That," said the Assistant Pocketer of Deposits, "is one of our liabilities."
"A liability?" exclaimed the Noser. "Nay, nay, an asset. That is what you mean, doubtless."
"Therein you err," the Pocketer explained; "that note was written in the bank with our own pen, ink, and paper, and we have not paid a stationery bill for six months."
"Ah, I see," the Noser said, thoughtfully; "it is a liability. May I ask how you expect to meet it?"
"With fortitude, please God," answered the Assistant Pocketer, his eyes to Heaven raising - "with fortitude and a firm reliance on the laxity of the law."
"Enough, enough," exclaimed the faithful servant of the State, choking with emotion; "here is a certificate of solvency."
"And here is a bottle of ink," the grateful financier said, slipping it into the other's pocket; "it is all that we have."

The Cat and the King

A CAT was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb.
"Well," said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal person, "how do you like me?"
"I can imagine a King," said the Cat, "whom I should like better."
"For example?"
"The King of the Mice."
The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave her permission to scratch his Prime Minister's eyes out.

The Literary Astronomer

THE Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch refractor, had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a four-column account of the event.
"How much?" said the Editor, sententiously, without