Fanny and the Servant Problem | Page 3

"small print!" statement. You may however, if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as *EITHER*:
[*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and does *not* contain characters other than those intended by the author of the work, although tilde (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may be used to convey punctuation intended by the author, and additional characters may be used to indicate hypertext links; OR
[*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent form by the program that displays the etext (as is the case, for instance, with most word processors); OR
[*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC or other equivalent proprietary form).
[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this "Small Print!" statement.
[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the net profits you derive calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are payable to "Project Gutenberg Association/Carnegie-Mellon University" within the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return.
WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg Association / Carnegie-Mellon University".
We are planning on making some changes in our donation structure in 2000, so you might want to email me, [email protected] beforehand.

*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END*

FANNY AND THE SERVANT PROBLEM
by Jerome K. Jerome

THE CHARACTERS
Fanny Her Husband, Vernon Wetherell, Lord Bantock Her Butler, Martin Bennet Her Housekeeper, Susannah Bennet Her Maid, Jane Bennet Her Second Footman, Ernest Bennet Her Still-room Maid, Honoria Bennet Her Aunts by marriage, the Misses Wetherell Her Local Medical Man, Dr. Freemantle Her quondam Companions, "Our Empire": England Scotland Ireland Wales Canada Australia New Zealand Africa India Newfoundland Malay Archipelago Straits Settlements Her former Business Manager, George P. Newte

ACT I

SCENE
The Lady Bantock's boudoir, Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire, a spacious room handsomely furnished (chiefly in the style of Louis the Fourteenth) and lighted by three high windows, facing the south-west. A door between the fireplace and the windows leads to his lordship's apartments. A door the other side of the fireplace is the general entrance. The door opposite the windows leads through her ladyship's dressing-room into her ladyship's bedroom. Over the great fireplace hangs a full-length portrait of Constance, first Lady Bantock, by Hoppner.
The time is sunset of a day in early spring. The youthful Lord Bantock is expected home with his newly wedded wife this evening; and the two Misses Wetherell, his aunts, have been busy decorating the room with flowers, and are nearing the end of their labours. The two Misses Wetherell have grown so much alike it would be difficult for a stranger to tell one from the other; and to add to his confusion they have fallen into the habit of dressing much alike in a fashion of their own that went out long ago, while the hair of both is white, and even in their voices they have caught each other's tones.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [she has paused from her work and is looking out of the windows]. Such a lovely sunset, dear.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [she leaves her work and joins her sister. The two stand holding each other's hands, looking out]. Beautiful! [A silence. The sun is streaming full into the room.] You--you don't think, dear, that this room--[she looks round it]--may possibly be a little TOO sunny to quite suit her?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [not at first understanding]. How, dear, TOO sun--[She grasps the meaning.] You mean--you think that perhaps she does that sort of thing?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Well, dear, one is always given to understand that they do, women--ladies of her profession.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It seems to me so wicked: painting God's work.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We mustn't judge hardly, dear. Besides, dear, we don't know yet that she does.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Perhaps she's young, and hasn't commenced it. I fancy it's only the older ones that do it.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He didn't mention her age, I remember.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. No, dear, but I feel she's young.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I do hope she is. We may be able to mould her.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We must be very