Eothen | Page 4

been saying
about London? The Pasha will be taking me for a mere cockney. Have
not I told you ALWAYS to say that I am from a branch of the family of
Mudcombe Park, and that I am to be a magistrate for the county of
Bedfordshire, only I've not qualified, and that I should have been a
deputy-lieutenant if it had not been for the extraordinary conduct of
Lord Mountpromise, and that I was a candidate for Goldborough at the
last election, and that I should have won easy if my committee had not
been bought. I wish to Heaven that if you DO say anything about me,
you'd tell the simple truth.
Dragoman [is silent].
Pasha.--What says the friendly Lord of London? is there aught that I
can grant him within the Pashalik of Karagholookoldour?
Dragoman (growing, sulky and literal).--This friendly Englishman--
this branch of Mudcombe--this head-purveyor of Goldborough--this
possible policeman of Bedfordshire, is recounting his achievements,
and the number of his titles.
Pasha.--The end of his honours is more distant than the ends of the
earth, and the catalogue of his glorious deeds is brighter than the

firmament of heaven!
Dragoman (to the traveller).--The Pasha congratulates your Excellency.
Traveller.--About Goldborough? The deuce he does!--but I want to get
at his views in relation to the present state of the Ottoman Empire. Tell
him the Houses of Parliament have met, and that there has been a
speech from the throne, pledging England to preserve the integrity of
the Sultan's dominions.
Dragoman (to the Pasha).--This branch of Mudcombe, this possible
policeman of Bedfordshire, informs your Highness that in England the
talking houses have met, and that the integrity of the Sultan's
dominions has been assured for ever and ever by a speech from the
velvet chair.
Pasha.--Wonderful chair! Wonderful houses!--whirr! whirr! all by
wheels!--whiz! whiz! all by steam!--wonderful chair! wonderful houses!
wonderful people!--whirr! whirr! all by wheels!--whiz! whiz! all by
steam!
Traveller (to the dragoman).--What does the Pasha mean by that
whizzing? he does not mean to say, does he, that our Government will
ever abandon their pledges to the Sultan?
Dragoman.--No, your Excellency; but he says the English talk by
wheels, and by steam.
Traveller.--That's an exaggeration; but say that the English really have
carried machinery to great perfection; tell the Pasha (he'll be struck
with that) that whenever we have any disturbances to put down, even at
two or three hundred miles from London, we can send troops by the
thousand to the scene of action in a few hours.
Dragoman (recovering his temper and freedom of speech).--His
Excellency, this Lord of Mudcombe, observes to your Highness, that
whenever the Irish, or the French, or the Indians rebel against the
English, whole armies of soldiers, and brigades of artillery, are dropped
into a mighty chasm called Euston Square, and in the biting of a
cartridge they arise up again in Manchester, or Dublin, or Paris, or
Delhi, and utterly exterminate the enemies of England from the face of
the earth.
Pasha.--I know it--I know all--the particulars have been faithfully
related to me, and my mind comprehends locomotives. The armies of
the English ride upon the vapours of boiling caldrons, and their horses

are flaming coals!--whirr! whirr! all by wheels!--whiz! whiz! all by
steam!
Traveller (to his dragoman).--I wish to have the opinion of an
unprejudiced Ottoman gentleman as to the prospects of our English
commerce and manufactures; just ask the Pasha to give me his views
on the subject.
Pasha (after having received the communication of the dragoman).--
The ships of the English swarm like flies; their printed calicoes cover
the whole earth; and by the side of their swords the blades of Damascus
are blades of grass. All India is but an item in the ledger-books of the
merchants, whose lumber-rooms are filled with ancient thrones!--whirr!
whirr! all by wheels!--whiz! whiz! all by steam.
Dragoman.--The Pasha compliments the cutlery of England, and also
the East India Company.
Traveller.--The Pasha's right about the cutlery (I tried my scimitar with
the common officers' swords belonging to our fellows at Malta, and
they cut it like the leaf of a novel). Well (to the dragoman), tell the
Pasha I am exceedingly gratified to find that he entertains such a high
opinion of our manufacturing energy, but I should like him to know,
though, that we have got something in England besides that. These
foreigners are always fancying that we have nothing but ships, and
railways, and East India Companies; do just tell the Pasha that our rural
districts deserve his attention, and that even within the last two hundred
years there has been an evident improvement in the culture of the turnip,
and if he does not take any interest about that, at all events you can
explain that we have