Elbow-Room | Page 9

hill upon a level canal. There is something so
deep, so amazing, in this proposition that your committee needs more
time to consider it and brood over it.
"Mr. W.P. Robbins proposes to draw off the water from the canal, lay
rails on the bottom, and then put the boats on wheels and run them with
a locomotive. Your committee has been very much struck with this

proposition, but has concluded, upon reflection, that it is rather too
revolutionary. If canal navigation should be begun in this manner,
probably we should soon have the railroad companies running their
trains on water by means of sails, and stage lines traveling in the air
with balloons. Such things would unsettle the foundations of society
and induce anarchy and chaos. A canal that has no water is a licentious
and incendiary canal; and it is equally improper and equally repugnant
to all conservative persons when, as Mr. Robbins suggests, the boats
are floated in tanks and the tanks are run on rails.
"Your committee has given much thought and patient examination to
the plan of Mr. Thompson McGlue. He suggests that the mules shall be
clad in submarine armor and made to walk under water along the
bottom of the canal, being fed with air through a pump. As we have
never seen a mule in action while decorated with submarine armor, we
are unable to say with positiveness what his conduct would be under
such circumstances. But the objections to the plan are of a formidable
character. The mule would, of course, be wholly excluded from every
opportunity to view the scenery upon the route, and we fear that this
would have a tendency to discourage him. Being under water, too, he
might be tempted to stop frequently for the purpose of nibbling at the
catfish encountered by him, and this would distract his attention from
his work. Somebody would have to dive whenever he got his hind leg
over the tow-line; and when the water was muddy, he might lose his
way and either pull the boat in the wrong direction or be continually
butting against the bank.
"Of the various other plans submitted, your committee have to say that
A.R. Mackey's proposition to run the boat by sails, and to fill the sails
with wind by means of a steam blower on the vessel; James
Thompson's plan of giving the captain and crew small scows to put on
their feet, so that they could stand overboard and push behind; William
Black's theory that motion could be obtained by employing trained
sturgeon to haul the boat; and Martin Stotesbury's plea that propulsion
could be given by placing a cannon upon the poop-deck and firing it
over the stern, so that the recoil would shove the boat along,--are
wonderful evidences of what the human mind can do when it exerts

itself, but they are not as useful as they are marvelous."
The prize has not yet been awarded. It is thought that the canal
company will have to make it larger before they secure exactly what
they want.
* * * * *
There is nothing in common between canals and sausages, but the
mention of Mr. William Bradley's name in the above report recalls
another report in which it figured. Bradley is an inventor who has a
very prolific mind, which, however, rarely produces anything that
anybody wants. One of Mr. Bradley's inventions during the war was
entitled by him "The Patent Imperishable Army Sausage." His idea was
to simplify the movements of troops by doing away with heavy
provision-trains and to furnish soldiers with nutritious food in a
condensed form. The sausage was made on strictly scientific principles.
It contained peas and beef, and salt and pepper, and starch and
gum-arabic, and it was stuffed in the skins by a machine which
exhausted the air, so that it would be air-tight. Bradley said that his
sausage would keep in any climate. You might lay it on the equator and
let the tropical sun scorch it, and it would remain as sweet and fresh as
ever; and Bradley said that there was more flesh-and-muscle-producing
material in a cubic inch of the sausage than in an entire dinner of roast
turkey and other such foolery.
So when Bradley had made up a lot of the Imperishable, he stored the
bulk of them in the garret; and putting a sample of them in his pocket,
he went down to Washington to see the Secretary of War, to get him to
introduce them to the army.
He walked into the secretary's office and pulled out a sausage, and
holding it toward him was about to explain it to him, when the
secretary suddenly dodged behind the table. The movement struck
Bradley as being queer, and he