Elbow-Room | Page 7

baby, but that is so preposterous
that I can hardly believe him."
"Why can't you? Don't you remember perfectly well that I emptied a
bottle of milk into the umbrella twice? Would I have done that if I
hadn't thought it was the baby?"
"There, now, Wilberforce! that's enough from you. Do let me have a
chance to talk! And, colonel, the real baby he treats in the most
malignant manner. A few days ago he mesmerized it secretly, and
scared me so that I am ill from the effects of it yet. I thought the dear
child would sleep for ever. And in addition to this, I came in on
Thursday and found that he had laid the large family Bible on the
darling's stomach. It was at the last gasp. I thought it would never
recover."
"Maria, didn't I tell you I gave it to the child to play with to keep him
quiet?"

"Mr. Fogg, will you please let me get a word in edgeways? Our older
children, too, he is simply ruining. He teaches them the most pernicious
and hurtful doctrines. He told Johnny the other day that Madagascar
was an island in the Peruvian Ocean off the coast of Illinois, and that a
walrus was a kind of a race horse used by the Caribbees. And our oldest
girl told me that he instructed her that Polycarp fought the battle of
Waterloo for the purpose of defeating the Saracens."
"Not the Saracens, Maria; Lucy misunderstood--"
[Illustration: A NOVEL MOUSETRAP]
"Wilberforce, I wish you would hush! His general treatment of me was
scandalous. He was constantly taking my teeth for the purpose of
knocking around the spigot in the bath-tub at night when the baby
wanted a drink, and only last week he took both sets after I had gone to
bed, propped them apart, baited them with cheese, and caught two
horrid mice before morning. I was so hurt by his behavior that I drank
some laudanum for the purpose of committing suicide, and then Mr.
Fogg borrowed a pump in at Knott's drug store and pumped me out
twice in such a rude manner that I have felt hollow ever since."
"I did it from kindness, Maria."
"Don't talk of kindness to me, Wilberforce, after your conduct. And,
colonel, one night last week, after I had retired, Mr. Fogg sat down in
the room below and determined to see if it were true that a candle could
be shot through a board from a gun. He dropped a lighted candle in his
gun, and of course it exploded. It came up through the floor and made a
large spot of grease upon the ceiling of my room, nearly scaring me to
death and filling my legs full of bird-shot."
"Maria, I asked you to believe that I forgot about the candle being
lighted. I did it in a fit of absent-mindedness."
"Do go into the other room, Wilberforce, or else hold your tongue. So,
colonel, I want to get a divorce. Existence is unendurable to me. The
lives of my children are in danger. I cannot remain in such slavery any

longer. Can you release me?"
Colonel Coffin said he would think it over and give her an answer in a
week. His idea was to give her time to think better of it. So then she
told Wilberforce to put on his hat; and when he had done so, he
followed her meekly out, and they went home. It is believed in the
neighborhood that she has concluded to stick to him for a while longer.
CHAPTER III.
_INTERNAL NAVIGATION.--AN UNFORTUNATE INVENTOR_.
The village not only has a railroad running by it, but it has a canal upon
which a large amount of traffic is done. There has been a good deal of
agitation lately concerning the possibility of improving locomotion
upon the canal, and the company offered a reward for the best device
that could be suggested in that direction. A committee was appointed to
examine and report upon the merits of the various plans submitted.
While the subject was under discussion one boat-owner, Captain Binns,
made an experiment upon his own account.
He had a pair of particularly stubborn mules to haul his boat, and it
occurred to him that he might devise some scientific method of
inducing the said mules to move whenever they were inclined to be
baulky. Both mules had phlegmatic temperaments; and when they
made up their minds to stop, they would do so and refuse to go, no
matter with what vigor the boy applied the whip. Captain Binns
therefore bought a tow-line made of three strands of galvanized wire;
and placing iron collars upon the necks of the mules, he fastened the
wire to them, and then