Dr. Lewis B. Turndevelts Big Book of Forewords | Page 4

soon be quite out of pocket. So much so that I am leaving behind this collection of book forewords, to be used in the event that one is needed and I am not around to hand-deliver it personally. They range in topic from niche cookbooks to pseudo-scientific journals. And somewhere in the middle of all that, you will find me, offering up support and adding my name as credibility to these otherwise doomed ventures. Not to say that they're all bad ideas, necessarily. In fact, a couple of them might make more than adequate reading while stuck in a traffic standstill on the expressway - the irony of which should not be lost on anyone.
But in the event of my untimely demise while traipsing through the jungles of the Amazon, or hiking up the treacherous peaks of Everest, or whatever it is that I'll be doing, I bequeath to the world my ultimate labor of love: book forewords to anything that might possibly come along. With some noteworthy exceptions, many of the books referenced herein have not actually been written - and we should all start praying right now that they never will be - but given the current literary climate, it seems to be an inevitable fact that not only will these books indeed be written, but they will subsequently be printed, distributed and marketed to the literate peoples of the free world. And once again, I blame democracy for allowing this to happen.
But I'm not here to point out the shortcomings of these works, or even to giggle and snicker at the very idea of the books themselves. No, I have a job to do, and that job is to simply write the forewords. Someone has to do it, and I'm the best that there is, so it therefore makes perfect sense that regardless of the quality of the main body of text they would still require a consummate professional to come in and wave a little magic over the beginning, in a desperate, last-ditch effort to save the book from itself. But my job is definitely not to critique and ridicule these worthless piles of wood pulp, so I will refrain. And I'll do it honorably and with great reserves of dignity.
With that thought, my work here is done, and I am off to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I plan on becoming tan, rested and pampered. And the rest of you? What will you be doing? Well, I hope you are able to kill a few minutes of time with this book, while you are either waiting in the lobby of your family doctor to get that rash attended to, or perhaps while you are tragically stuck between floors in an elevator with a large, hairy man that considers patchouli a viable alternative to bathing. Regardless of what you're doing, I wish you well. And I in turn wish me the best of luck as I stretch out on the sunny beach of some clear-watered tropical paradise with a tall, cold beverage that I might be talked into enjoying; either that or hiking through the lush foliage on the side of a misty mountain at daybreak, where the only sound to be heard is that of my camera's shutter.
To every thing there is a season. And for every season there is a special vacation getaway package with great low fares.
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About The Author Or "A Detailed Answer To All Your Questions"
I've always found it interesting that books will routinely include an about the author section towards the very last page. So only after having finished reading an entire manuscript would the owner of a book want to know whom they've been listening to this whole time? Odd. An author's background and pedigree should be of casual interest to the fiction reader, and of tantamount importance to the non. And on a purely self-indulgent note, I want you to know as much about me as possible before we get going. I'm a fascinating and eccentric figure with whimsically colorful stories to tell. And I enjoy soup.
However, book foreword authors occupy a rather unique position in the greater world. For years I'm sure you've seen my name marqueed at the bottom of book covers. It's not the first thing to grab your eye, but once you've discovered its presence you are ushered into a state of calm, bland serenity. And why not, because as far as book foreword authors go, I suppose I'm as recognized as any. And while it's not the most high profile of professions, it's not without its share of curious celebrity.
Perhaps exaggerated stories of the lavish lifestyles we foreword writers lead have become too prevalent. Tales of gold-plated bidets that spout champagne; urban legends of wardrobes made from nothing but sloth hides; rumors floating