Dr. Lewis B. Turndevelts Big Book of Forewords | Page 6

awkward first kiss behind the gym at school, interrupted
by her swiftly moving hand to my cheek, followed by the words "I said
'no', now leave me alone." 5. Whining for five weeks about how I
simply had to have the latest fad tennis shoes, only to realize just two
years later how utterly ridiculous they really looked. 6. Sneaking out,
again with the same two friends, to attend my first rock concert at the
downtown municipal auditorium. I ended up having to secretly soak
my clothes after the experience, as the smell of "liberation" would have
been too strong to explain to the parental units come laundry day. 7.
Smoking my first cigarette. 8. Getting sick in front of a girl I had a
crush on after smoking my first cigarette. 9. Skipping school, again
with the same two friends (those knuckleheads... whatever happened to
Ronnie and Merv, anyhow?), only to realize that all the rest of our
friends were still back in class and we didn't have a car, so we walked

down to the movie theater and caught a matinee of... I don't remember
what it was, something about aliens living among us. It wasn't nearly as
good as it sounds. 10. Getting in a fight with an older boy, that had
obviously been in fights before, and losing badly. Then later explaining
to my Mom why my lip was busted and swollen by making up some
story about trying to "show off in front of the cute girls hanging outside
the cafeteria. Boy, I learned never to do that again..." Yes, even back
then I was beginning to hone my skills as a storyteller.
By the time I was ready to go to college, I had managed to check off
most of the things on my life experience list. I felt able and ready to get
this degree thing that would help propel me into the fast-paced world of
writing. I opted for a Bachelor of Arts degree with an emphasis in
journalism, because much to my dismay, they did not offer an emphasis
in novel writing. But I was still excited, because hey, journalism can be
fun too, right?
Sadly, no, it can't. I was to find that out the hard way after taking my
first job out of school as a writer for the local paper. Keeping in mind
that I was still in South Dakota. And I was working at a local paper. In
South Dakota. At this point, many writers would begin describing to
you, with an excruciating amount of adverbs and adjectives, exactly
how and why this scenario might not have been exciting. But as is the
case with most adverbs, that's unnecessary. It takes up my time and
tries your patience. All I really need to do is re-emphasize the words
"local paper" and "South Dakota." I rest my case.
But I persevered. I made the best of a tedious situation, took a little
creative liberty, and actually learned a few things that would benefit me
later down the road. For example, when you're writing news articles, or
any material based on current events or other "facts," you find yourself
in the habit of doing a lot of research. Frantic, coffee-fueled research. A
wise older writer explained the tricks of the trade to me that you don't
have to read a whole article to pick up background information. Simply
scan the first and last two paragraphs of said article and mentally fill in
the blanks for the rest. Sometimes it's not even necessary to do that
much. Also, it's typically a good idea to generalize your sources instead

of naming them specifically. "A reliable source" is much more difficult
to verify and/or refute than is "Deputy Sheriff Scotty Lochs." (I'd like
to pause for just a moment here and address any of the youth that might
be reading. Students: the techniques and shortcuts described in this
paragraph are not to be taken and applied to schoolwork. Research on
term papers and bug collections is of critical importance to your
educational career. You are our future, as difficult as that is for both of
us to swallow. Stay in school. Your pal, Lewis.)
So write, write, write on the local paper continued for a couple years
there in South Dakota. Eventually I decided that I had learned all I
could about school board meetings and highway expansion. It was time
to move onward and upward to the Big City. No more small town soup
and salad, I was ready for the main course. A buffet of opportunities
awaited my arrival in the hustle and bustle of the metropolis. A
veritable smorgasbord of options was available to me. So I did what
any small fry of a newspaper writer fresh out of the sticks