Doctor Marigold | Page 5

out a hawker's license, when no such thing is
expected of the political hawkers? Where's the difference betwixt us?
Except that we are Cheap Jacks and they are Dear Jacks, I don't see any
difference but what's in our favour.
For look here! Say it's election time. I am on the footboard of my cart

in the market-place, on a Saturday night. I put up a general
miscellaneous lot. I say: "Now here, my free and independent woters,
I'm a going to give you such a chance as you never had in all your born
days, nor yet the days preceding. Now I'll show you what I am a going
to do with you. Here's a pair of razors that'll shave you closer than the
Board of Guardians; here's a flat-iron worth its weight in gold; here's a
frying-pan artificially flavoured with essence of beefsteaks to that
degree that you've only got for the rest of your lives to fry bread and
dripping in it and there you are replete with animal food; here's a
genuine chronometer watch in such a solid silver case that you may
knock at the door with it when you come home late from a social
meeting, and rouse your wife and family, and save up your knocker for
the postman; and here's half-a- dozen dinner plates that you may play
the cymbals with to charm baby when it's fractious. Stop! I'll throw in
another article, and I'll give you that, and it's a rolling-pin; and if the
baby can only get it well into its mouth when its teeth is coming and
rub the gums once with it, they'll come through double, in a fit of
laughter equal to being tickled. Stop again! I'll throw you in another
article, because I don't like the looks of you, for you haven't the
appearance of buyers unless I lose by you, and because I'd rather lose
than not take money to-night, and that's a looking-glass in which you
may see how ugly you look when you don't bid. What do you say now?
Come! Do you say a pound? Not you, for you haven't got it. Do you
say ten shillings? Not you, for you owe more to the tallyman. Well then,
I'll tell you what I'll do with you. I'll heap 'em all on the footboard of
the cart,--there they are! razors, flat watch, dinner plates, rolling-pin,
and away for four shillings, and I'll give you sixpence for your
trouble!" This is me, the Cheap Jack. But on the Monday morning, in
the same market-place, comes the Dear Jack on the hustings--HIS
cart--and, what does HE say? "Now my free and independent woters, I
am a going to give you such a chance" (he begins just like me) "as you
never had in all your born days, and that's the chance of sending Myself
to Parliament. Now I'll tell you what I am a going to do for you. Here's
the interests of this magnificent town promoted above all the rest of the
civilised and uncivilised earth. Here's your railways carried, and your
neighbours' railways jockeyed. Here's all your sons in the Post-office.
Here's Britannia smiling on you. Here's the eyes of Europe on you.

Here's uniwersal prosperity for you, repletion of animal food, golden
cornfields, gladsome homesteads, and rounds of applause from your
own hearts, all in one lot, and that's myself. Will you take me as I stand?
You won't? Well, then, I'll tell you what I'll do with you. Come now!
I'll throw you in anything you ask for. There! Church-rates, abolition of
more malt tax, no malt tax, universal education to the highest mark, or
uniwersal ignorance to the lowest, total abolition of flogging in the
army or a dozen for every private once a month all round, Wrongs of
Men or Rights of Women--only say which it shall be, take 'em or leave
'em, and I'm of your opinion altogether, and the lot's your own on your
own terms. There! You won't take it yet! Well, then, I'll tell you what
I'll do with you. Come! You ARE such free and independent woters,
and I am so proud of you,--you ARE such a noble and enlightened
constituency, and I AM so ambitious of the honour and dignity of being
your member, which is by far the highest level to which the wings of
the human mind can soar,--that I'll tell you what I'll do with you. I'll
throw you in all the public-houses in your magnificent town for nothing.
Will that content you? It won't? You won't take the lot yet? Well, then,
before I put the horse in and drive away, and make the offer to the next
most magnificent town that can be discovered, I'll tell you what I'll do.