Dios Rome, Vol. 6 | Page 5

is any resource, either
just or unjust, left to us," he replied, exhibiting his sword: "Cheer up,
mother: for, as long as we have this, money is not going to fail us."
[Sidenote:--11--] To those who flattered him, however, he distributed
possessions and money.
¶Julius Paulus [Footnote: Undoubtedly a mistake for the Julius
Paulinus subsequently mentioned.] was a man of consular rank, who
was a great chatterer and joker and would not refrain from aiming his
shafts of wit at the very emperors: therefore Severus had him taken into
custody, though without constraints. When he still continued, even
under guard, to make the sovereigns the objects of his jests, Severus

sent for him and swore that he would cut off his head. But the man
replied: "Yes, you can cut it off, but as long as I have it, neither you nor
I can restrain it," and so Severus laughed and released him.
He granted to Julius Paulinus twenty-five myriads because the man,
who was a jester, had been led, though involuntarily, to make a joke
upon him. Paulinus had said that he actually resembled a man getting
angry, for somehow he was always assuming a fierce expression.
[Footnote: None of the editors, any more than the casual reader, has
been able to find anything of a sidesplitting nature in this joke. The
trouble is, of course, that the utterance sounds like a plain statement of
fact. Caracalla's natural disposition was harsh and irritable. Some have
changed the word "man" to "Pan (in anger)", but without gaining very
much. I offer for what it is worth the suggestion that a well-known truth,
especially in the case of personal characteristics, may sound very
amusing when pronounced in a quizzical or semi-ironical fashion by a
person possessing sufficient vis comica. Thus we may conceive
Paulinus, a professional jester, on meeting Antoninus to have blurted
out in a tone of mock surprise: "Why, anybody would really think you
are angry. You look so cross all the time!" There would then be a point
in the jest, but the point would lie not in the words but in the voice and
features of the speaker. Apart from this explanation of the possible
humor of the remark an excerpt of Peter Patricius (Exc. Vat. 143) gives
us to understand that it would be taken as a compliment by Antoninus
from the mouth of a person to whom he was accustomed to accord
some liberties, since Antoninus made a point of maintaining at all times
this character of harshness and abruptness.]--Antoninus made no
account of anything excellent: he never learned anything of the kind, as
he himself admitted. So it was that he showed a contempt for us, who
possessed something approaching education. Severus, to be sure, had
trained him in all pursuits, bar none, that tended to inculcate virtue,
whether physical or mental, so that even after he became emperor he
went to teachers and studied philosophy most of the day. He also took
oil rubbings without water and rode horseback to a distance of seven
hundred and fifty stades. Moreover, he practiced swimming even in
rough water. In consequence of this, Antoninus was, as you might say,
strong, but he paid no heed to culture, since he had never even heard
the name of it. Still, his language was not bad, nor did he lack judgment,

but he showed in almost everything a keen appreciation and talked very
readily. For through his authority and recklessness and his habit of
saying right out without reflection anything at all that occurred to him,
and not being ashamed to air his thoughts, he often stumbled upon
some felicitous expression. [But the same Antoninus made many
mistakes through his headstrong opinions. It was not enough for him to
know everything: he wanted to be the only one who knew anything. It
was not enough for him to have all power: he would be the only one
with any power. Hence it was that he employed no counselor and was
jealous of such men as knew something worth while. He never loved a
single person and he hated all those who excelled in anything; and most
did he hate those whom he affected most to love. Many of these he
destroyed in some way or other. Of course he had many men murdered
openly, but others he would send to provinces not suited to them, fatal
to their physical condition, having an unwholesome climate; thus,
while pretending to honor them excessively, he quietly got rid of them,
exposing such as he did not like to excessive heat or cold. Hence,
though he spared some in so far as not to put them to death, yet he
subjected them to such hardships that the stain [Footnote: This is very
likely an incorrect