Departmental Ditties and Barrack Room Ballads

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Departmental Ditties & Barrack Room Ballads by Rudyard Kipling
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Title: Departmental Ditties & Barrack Room Ballads
Author: Rudyard Kipling
Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7846]?[This file was first posted on May 22, 2003]
Edition: 10
Language: English
Character set encoding: US-ASCII
? START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES & BARRACK ROOM BALLADS ***
Ted Garvin
DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES and BALLADS AND BARRACK ROOM BALLADS
BY
RUDYARD KIPLING
CONTENTS
VOLUME I: DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES AND OTHER VERSES
Prelude?General Summary?Army Headquarters?Study of an Elevation, in Indian Ink?A Legend of the Foreign Office?The Story of Uriah?The Post that Fitted?Public Waste?Delilah?What Happened?Pink Dominoes?The Man Who Could Write?Municipal?A Code of Morals?The Last Department
VOLUME II: BALLADS AND BARRACK-ROOM BALLADS
The Ballad of East and West?The Last Suttee?The Ballad of the King's Mercy?The Ballad of the King's Jest?The Ballad of Boh Da Thone?The Lament of the Border Cattle Thief?The Rhyme of the Three Captains?The Ballad of the "Clampherdown"?The Ballad of the "Bolivar"?The English Flag?Cleared?An Imperial Rescript?Tomlinson?Danny Deever?Tommy?Fuzzy-Wuzzv?Soldier, Soldier?Screw-Guns?Gunga Din?Oonts?Loot?"Snarleyow"?The Widow at Windsor?Belts?The Young British Soldier?Mandalay?Troopin'?Ford O' Kabul River?Route-Marchin'
DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES
I have eaten your bread and salt,
I have drunk your water and wine,?The deaths ye died I have watched beside,
And the lives that ye led were mine.
Was there aught that I did not share
In vigil or toil or ease,?One joy or woe that I did not know,
Dear hearts across the seas?
I have written the tale of our life
For a sheltered people's mirth,?In jesting guise--but ye are wise,?And ye know what the jest is worth.
GENERAL SUMMARY
We are very slightly changed?From the semi-apes who ranged
India's prehistoric clay;?Whoso drew the longest bow,?Ran his brother down, you know,
As we run men down today.
"Dowb," the first of all his race,?Met the Mammoth face to face
On the lake or in the cave,?Stole the steadiest canoe,?Ate the quarry others slew,
Died--and took the finest grave.
When they scratched the reindeer-bone?Someone made the sketch his own,
Filched it from the artist--then,?Even in those early days,?Won a simple Viceroy's praise
Through the toil of other men.
Ere they hewed the Sphinx's visage?Favoritism governed kissage,?Even as it does in this age.
Who shall doubt the secret hid?Under Cheops' pyramid?Was that the contractor did
Cheops out of several millions??Or that Joseph's sudden rise?To Comptroller of Supplies?Was a fraud of monstrous size
On King Pharoah's swart Civilians?
Thus, the artless songs I sing?Do not deal with anything
New or never said before.
As it was in the beginning,?Is today official sinning,
And shall be forevermore.
ARMY HEADQUARTERS
Old is the song that I sing--
Old as my unpaid bills--?Old as the chicken that kitmutgars bring?Men at dak-bungalows--old as the Hills.
Ahasuerus Jenkins of the "Operatic Own"?Was dowered with a tenor voice of super-Santley tone.
His views on equitation were, perhaps, a trifle queer;?He had no seat worth mentioning, but oh! he had an ear.
He clubbed his wretched company a dozen times a day,?He used to quit his charger in a parabolic way,?His method of saluting was the joy of all beholders,?But Ahasuerus Jenkins had a head upon his shoulders.
He took two months to Simla when the year was at the spring, And underneath the deodars eternally did sing.
He warbled like a bulbul, but particularly at?Cornelia Agrippina who was musical and fat.
She controlled a humble husband, who, in turn, controlled a Dept., Where Cornelia Agrippina's human singing-birds were kept?From April to October on a plump retaining fee,?Supplied, of course, per mensem, by the Indian Treasury.
Cornelia used to sing with him, and Jenkins used to play;?He praised unblushingly her notes, for he was false as they: So when the winds of April turned the budding roses brown,?Cornelia told her husband: "Tom, you mustn't send him down."
They haled him from his regiment which didn't much regret him; They found for him an office-stool, and on that stool they set him, To play with maps and catalogues three idle hours a day,?And draw his plump retaining fee--which means his double pay.
Now, ever after dinner, when the coffeecups are brought,?Ahasuerus waileth o'er the grand pianoforte;?And, thanks to fair Cornelia, his fame hath waxen great,?And Ahasuerus Jenkins is a power in the State.
STUDY OF AN ELEVATION, IN INDIAN INK
This ditty is a string of lies.?But--how the deuce did