Dating and Falling in Love | Page 6

to say to you, "Shannon, I'm really
enjoying getting to know you, but I have got
to tell you, I couldn't possibly support this
kind of lifestyle." And I thought, "That could
be the end of our relationship." And your
answer changed everything.

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SHANNON: You know, I remember the way
you phrased it: "How important is this
lifestyle to you, Shannon?" You seemed really
curious.

SCOTT: Yeah, and you said, "Scott, the most
important thing to me is being truly in love.
And whenever that happens to me, I would be
happy to live in a log cabin."

SHANNON: Exactly.

SCOTT: That made me feel so good. And just
to go on with this, because sometimes men,
for example, are still climbing out of that old
view of themselves as having to be the
provider. But I wasn't really happy in my job
when I was dating you. And I thought, "If I'm
honest and I tell her I'm unhappy in my
career or that I'm in a career transition, she'll
think I'm not stable and I must not be good
enough for her." And I had a lot of things
wrapped up in my ego and pride and my
self-worth.

Nevertheless, I was honest with you about
what was going on in my life. And I really
didn't know how you were going to respond.
It was scary for me because I felt like I could
lose you by sharing this information. I kept
having to ask myself, "Well, if I lose her
because of this, then what have I lost?

I don't want Shannon to love me without
knowing who I am. So it's really putting
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everything on the line. Do you remember
that?

SHANNON: Well, it's funny to hear you say
this, because to me it wasn't putting anything
on the line. I just heard you say you weren't
happy with your job, and I thought, "Oh,
okay, well, we'll fix that. You'll find
something else. You're very talented and
filled with skills, and you're so lovable. Who
wouldn't want wonderful you!" I didn't think
it was a problem at all.

SCOTT: So really, it's a win-win to be honest
and open, because either somebody's going to
love you more, or you're both going to realize,
"This isn't the right relationship." And that's
a win too.

SHANNON: Another way I felt that you were
brave for putting yourself on the line, Scott,
is you revealed your feelings towards me very
freely and openly. You were transparent,
even though I wasn't fully reciprocating at
that time. And I remember early in our
dating that we were nearing Thanksgiving
holiday. You said that you had plans, but you
wished that you were free to be with me. And
it really made me feel loved and important to
you. It really felt wonderful.

SCOTT: It was an awkward time, because I
wanted to spend the holiday with you and I
didn't know if my plans were certain. I also
thought we loved each other, but it wasn't yet
quite clear.
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SHANNON: Well, I appreciated the fact that
you didn't hide your feelings, and you really
modeled that for me, because I was more
inclined to hide my feelings. I had more
feelings I was trying to sort out and deal with
at that time.

Another way of putting the relationship on
the line is with sex. We really don't want to
let sex drive the relationship because we want
intimacy and love and our values, and who
we truly are to drive the relationship. When I
have sex early on, it really changes the
dynamics of the relationship. Like it or not,
everything does change after sex. Women
want commitment. We look at it differently.
We look at ourselves differently in the
relationship, and it's felt in the partnership.
The dynamics change. So let genuine
intimacy, not sex, govern the relationship.

Scott, I remember the winter of our love, it
was before Christmas, and you and I had had
the discussion about sex a number of times,
and you'd listen so beautifully. I felt
respected by you that I really didn't want to
go into a sexual relationship at this point.
I'm wasn’t committed. I couldn’t enter that
phase unless I was fully committed. You were
so respectful and you understood. And it
wasn't just words. I was