Coffee and Repartee

Coffee and Repartee

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Coffee and Repartee, by John
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Title: Coffee and Repartee
Author: John Kendrick Bangs
Release Date: April 19, 2006 [EBook #18207]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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AND REPARTEE ***

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[Illustration: "'ARE YOU RELATED TO GOVERNOR
McKINLEY?'"]

COFFEE AND REPARTEE

BY
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
ILLUSTRATED
NEW YORK AND LONDON HARPER & BROTHERS
PUBLISHERS
1899

Harper's "Black and White" Series.
Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, 50 cents each.
In the Vestibule Limited. Lowell. By G. W. Curtis. By Brander
Matthews. George William Curtis. By This Picture and That. A John
White Chadwick. Comedy. By Brander Matthews. Slavery and the
Slave Trade The Decision of the Court. in Africa. By Henry M. A
Comedy. By Brander Matthews. Stanley.
A Family Canoe Trip. By Whittier: Notes of His Life Florence W.
Snedeker. and of His Friendships. By Annie Fields. Three Weeks in
Politics. By John Kendrick Bangs. The Japanese Bride. By Naomi
Tamura. Coffee and Repartee. By John Kendrick Bangs. Giles Corey,
Yeoman. By Mary E. Wilkins. Travels in America 100 Years Ago. By
Thomas Twining. Seen From the Saddle. By Isa Carrington Cabell. The
Work of Washington Irving. By Charles Dudley BY W. D. HOWELLS.
Warner. Farces: A Letter of Introduction.--The Edwin Booth. By
Laurence Albany Depot.--The Garroters.--Five Hutton. O'Clock
Tea.--The Mouse-trap.--A Likely Story.--Evening Dress.--The Phillips
Brooks. By Rev. Unexpected Guests. Arthur Brooks, D.D. A Little
Swiss Sojourn. The Rivals. By François Coppée. My Year in a Log
Cabin.
PUBLISHED BY HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK.

Copyright, 1893, by Harper & Brothers.
All rights reserved.

TO F. S. M.

ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE
"'Are you related to Governor McKinley?'" Frontispiece
"Alarmed the cook" 5
"'What are the first symptoms of insanity?'" 13
"'Reading Webster's Dictionary'" 17
"'I stuck to the pigs'" 23
The conspirators 25
"'Weren't your ears long enough?'" 33
"'The corks popped to some purpose last night'" 37
"'If you could spare so little as one flame'" 43
The school-master as a cooler 47
"'Reading the Sunday newspapers'" 51
Bobbo 55
Wooing the Muse 67

"'He gave up jokes'" 71
"'A little garden of my own, where I could raise an occasional can of
tomatoes'" 75
"'A hind-quarter of lamb gambolling about its native heath'" 77
"'The gladsome click of the lawn-mower'" 80
"'You don't mean to say that you write for the papers?'" 85
"'We wooed the self-same maid'" 87
Curing insomnia 91
"Holding his plate up to the light" 97
"'I believe you'd blow out the gas in your bed-room'" 101
"'His fairy stories were told him in words of ten syllables'" 105
"'I thought my father a mean-spirited assassin'" 109
"'Mrs. S. brought him to the point of proposing'" 115
"'Hoorah!' cried the Idiot, grasping Mr. Pedagog by the hand" 119

[Illustration: Coffee and Repartee]

I
The guests at Mrs. Smithers's high-class boarding-house for gentlemen
had assembled as usual for breakfast, and in a few moments Mary, the
dainty waitress, entered with the steaming coffee, the mush, and the
rolls.

The School-master, who, by-the-way, was suspected by Mrs. Smithers
of having intentions, and who for that reason occupied the chair nearest
the lady's heart, folded up the morning paper, and placing it under him
so that no one else could get it, observed, quite genially for him, "It was
very wet yesterday."
"I didn't find it so," observed a young man seated half-way down the
table, who was by common consent called the Idiot, because of his
"views." "In fact, I was very dry. Curious thing, I'm always dry on
rainy days. I am one of the kind of men who know that it is the part of
wisdom to stay in when it rains, or to carry an umbrella when it is not
possible to stay at home, or, having no home, like ourselves, to remain
cooped up in stalls, or stalled up in coops, as you may prefer."
"You carried an umbrella, then?" queried the landlady, ignoring the
Idiot's shaft at the size of her "elegant and airy apartments" with an ease
born of experience.
"Yes, madame," returned the Idiot, quite unconscious of what was
coming.
"Whose?" queried the lady, a sarcastic smile playing about her lips.
"That I cannot say, Mrs. Smithers," replied the Idiot, serenely, "but it is
the one you usually carry."
"Your insinuation, sir," said the School-master, coming to the
landlady's rescue, "is an unworthy