Coffee and Repartee

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Coffee and Repartee

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Coffee and Repartee, by John Kendrick Bangs This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: Coffee and Repartee
Author: John Kendrick Bangs
Release Date: April 19, 2006 [EBook #18207]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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[Illustration: "'ARE YOU RELATED TO GOVERNOR McKINLEY?'"]

COFFEE AND REPARTEE
BY
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
ILLUSTRATED
NEW YORK AND LONDON HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS
1899

Harper's "Black and White" Series.
Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, 50 cents each.
In the Vestibule Limited. Lowell. By G. W. Curtis. By Brander Matthews. George William Curtis. By This Picture and That. A John White Chadwick. Comedy. By Brander Matthews. Slavery and the Slave Trade The Decision of the Court. in Africa. By Henry M. A Comedy. By Brander Matthews. Stanley.
A Family Canoe Trip. By Whittier: Notes of His Life Florence W. Snedeker. and of His Friendships. By Annie Fields. Three Weeks in Politics. By John Kendrick Bangs. The Japanese Bride. By Naomi Tamura. Coffee and Repartee. By John Kendrick Bangs. Giles Corey, Yeoman. By Mary E. Wilkins. Travels in America 100 Years Ago. By Thomas Twining. Seen From the Saddle. By Isa Carrington Cabell. The Work of Washington Irving. By Charles Dudley BY W. D. HOWELLS. Warner. Farces: A Letter of Introduction.--The Edwin Booth. By Laurence Albany Depot.--The Garroters.--Five Hutton. O'Clock Tea.--The Mouse-trap.--A Likely Story.--Evening Dress.--The Phillips Brooks. By Rev. Unexpected Guests. Arthur Brooks, D.D. A Little Swiss Sojourn. The Rivals. By Fran?ois Coppée. My Year in a Log Cabin.
PUBLISHED BY HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK.

Copyright, 1893, by Harper & Brothers.
All rights reserved.

TO F. S. M.

ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE
"'Are you related to Governor McKinley?'" Frontispiece
"Alarmed the cook" 5
"'What are the first symptoms of insanity?'" 13
"'Reading Webster's Dictionary'" 17
"'I stuck to the pigs'" 23
The conspirators 25
"'Weren't your ears long enough?'" 33
"'The corks popped to some purpose last night'" 37
"'If you could spare so little as one flame'" 43
The school-master as a cooler 47
"'Reading the Sunday newspapers'" 51
Bobbo 55
Wooing the Muse 67
"'He gave up jokes'" 71
"'A little garden of my own, where I could raise an occasional can of tomatoes'" 75
"'A hind-quarter of lamb gambolling about its native heath'" 77
"'The gladsome click of the lawn-mower'" 80
"'You don't mean to say that you write for the papers?'" 85
"'We wooed the self-same maid'" 87
Curing insomnia 91
"Holding his plate up to the light" 97
"'I believe you'd blow out the gas in your bed-room'" 101
"'His fairy stories were told him in words of ten syllables'" 105
"'I thought my father a mean-spirited assassin'" 109
"'Mrs. S. brought him to the point of proposing'" 115
"'Hoorah!' cried the Idiot, grasping Mr. Pedagog by the hand" 119

[Illustration: Coffee and Repartee]

I
The guests at Mrs. Smithers's high-class boarding-house for gentlemen had assembled as usual for breakfast, and in a few moments Mary, the dainty waitress, entered with the steaming coffee, the mush, and the rolls.
The School-master, who, by-the-way, was suspected by Mrs. Smithers of having intentions, and who for that reason occupied the chair nearest the lady's heart, folded up the morning paper, and placing it under him so that no one else could get it, observed, quite genially for him, "It was very wet yesterday."
"I didn't find it so," observed a young man seated half-way down the table, who was by common consent called the Idiot, because of his "views." "In fact, I was very dry. Curious thing, I'm always dry on rainy days. I am one of the kind of men who know that it is the part of wisdom to stay in when it rains, or to carry an umbrella when it is not possible to stay at home, or, having no home, like ourselves, to remain cooped up in stalls, or stalled up in coops, as you may prefer."
"You carried an umbrella, then?" queried the landlady, ignoring the Idiot's shaft at the size of her "elegant and airy apartments" with an ease born of experience.
"Yes, madame," returned the Idiot, quite unconscious of what was coming.
"Whose?" queried the lady, a sarcastic smile playing about her lips.
"That I cannot say, Mrs. Smithers," replied the Idiot, serenely, "but it is the one you usually carry."
"Your insinuation, sir," said the School-master, coming to the landlady's rescue, "is an unworthy one. The umbrella in question is mine. It has been in my possession for five years."
"Then," replied the Idiot, unabashed, "it is time you returned it. Don't you think men's morals are rather lax in this matter of umbrellas, Mr. Whitechoker?" he added, turning from the School-master, who began to show signs of irritation.
"Very," said the Minister, running his finger about his neck to make the