Christmas Comes but Once A Year | Page 4

leads
on to matrimony; Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in
shallows, and in spinsterhood. On such a full sea are we now afloat;

And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures.'"
Monday, the 24th December's sun rises in a fog:--everybody has lost
the day of the week, and come upon what appears an infinity of
Saturdays rolled into one--beginning the week with a grand end,--for it
is the advent of Christmas!
The Masters de Camp arrive as was expected.--Cadet Wellesley
exhibiting his military accomplishments by surveying the back field; all
the holes and corners; riddling the sty and pigs with Mr. Brown's
blunderbuss; bivouacking in the pantry at Victoria's expence; and,
when remonstrated with, for mere sport knocking the plaster Albert off
the garden wall into the lane. Mr. Latimer de Camp introduces himself
more civilly, as Miss Jemima is playing and singing (of course for
practice), by accompanying "How happy could I be with either," on the
wooden partition with his thumb, after the fashion of a tambarine.
This is the annual busy day.--Packets and parcels are being delivered
unceasingly by uncommonly civil butcher-boys, graceful grocers, and
urbanic green-grocers, who are near enough to boxing-day to know that
silver on the tongue is necessary to charm silver from the pocket. The
Captain has sent to learn if any consignments are for him, to ask the
loan of a pack of cards, and Victoria's company to spend the evening at
the Albert--which invitation is graciously accepted.
It is eve--Christmas-eve.--Mrs. Brown's candied mixture, the pudding,
is simmering in the copper; the turkey, chine, and hundred etceteras are
on their way from Plumpsworth; while Captain de Camp's baggage is at
the very wildest verge of that gentleman's imagination, and its
appearance would have surprised him more than any one else, so
speculative was it.
[Illustration: CHRISTMAS EVE. THE FOOD IN PERSPECTIVE.]
Mr. Brown is in the City, homeward bound by the omnibus, intending
to realize "a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." It is so foggy
that he finds he is going at an invisible pace, obliging him to abandon
the invisible vehicle in an invisible street, paying an invisible fare.

[Illustration]
He ties a handkerchief round his foot to prevent slipping; and has
something "short" to keep out the cold; and a little brandy-punch to
keep out the fog; and a little egg-flip to keep him warm; and a link that
he may see the way, for his vision is not very distinct;--his head is
delightfully buoyant, his optics inclined to multiply, and his legs very
refractory, having a great desire to dance or go sideways, but
obstinately refusing, in their eccentricity, to proceed in a straight line;
for Mr. Brown is more merry than particular--taking Newgate Market
in his way home to Mizzlington from the 'Change. Having a great
veneration for old customs, he buys a boar's head there and boy to carry
it; next, being taken with a crockery-shop-sign, "The Little Bason"
(which, by-the-bye, was a very large one), he purchases that also,
thinking it will do for a wassail-bowl; likewise some holly; and an old
butcher's-block to serve as the yule-log; not forgetting the last new
Christmas book of sympathy and sentiment, "The Black Beetle on the
Hob," a faery tale of a register-stove, by the author of the "Old Hearth
Broom and the Kettle-Holder:"--With these articles Mr. Brown and his
retinue reach home in safety--a miracle, considering the toast and ale
they have consumed,--the Holly being jolly, the Bason groggy, the Log
stupid, and the Boar pig-headed. They find Victoria deaf; for Mr.
Brown has made her little gothic door to shiver, and the bolts to chatter
with the blows, yet none respond; for the servants are very jovial over
boiled ale in the crypt--little thinking or caring about their master; who,
after having rung all the bells singly, walked backwards, surveyed the
windows, tumbled over the block, and endangered the wassail-bowl,
tries ringing all the bells at once without avail; so enters by the back
window, and performs a dexterous summerset down the stairs, in
company with some evergreens and a flower-stand, ending in a series
of double knocks performed upon the inside of the door with the back
of his head, and a cuffing from Mr. Brown junior, who happens to be
coming in with the key, taking his respected governor for a burglar.
[Illustration]
The Browns are next door:--Victoria is fraternizing with Albert, and

both are exceedingly happy, although the latter has won greatly at the
game of speculation--having played his cards well; so, Mr. Brown,
after being packed in brown paper, steeped in vinegar, and well
soda-watered, joins the social party;--finding Captain de Camp busy
concocting an extraordinary oriental mixture (the name of which we
quite