Botchan | Page 5

silver.
I forget now upon what I spent the three yen. "I'll pay you back soon," I
said at the time, but didn't. I could not now pay it back even if I wished
to do so with ten times the amount.
When Kiyo gave me anything she did so always when both father and
brother were out. Many things I do not like, but what I most detest is
the monopolizing of favors behind some one else's back. Bad as my
relations were with my brother, still I did not feel justified in accepting
candies or color-pencils from Kiyo without my brother's knowledge.
"Why do you give those things only to me and not to my brother also?"
I asked her once, and she answered quite unconcernedly that my
brother may be left to himself as his father bought him everything. That
was partiality; father was obstinate, but I am sure he was not a man

who would indulge in favoritism. To Kiyo, however, he might have
looked that way. There is no doubt that Kiyo was blind to the extent of
her undue indulgence with me. She was said to have come from a
well-to-do family, but the poor soul was uneducated, and it could not
be helped. All the same, you cannot tell how prejudice will drive one to
the extremes. Kiyo seemed quite sure that some day I would achieve
high position in society and become famous. Equally she was sure that
my brother, who was spending his hours studiously, was only good for
his white skin, and would stand no show in the future. Nothing can beat
an old woman for this sort of thing, I tell you. She firmly believed that
whoever she liked would become famous, while whoever she hated
would not. I did not have at that time any particular object in my life.
But the persistency with which Kiyo declared that I would be a great
man some day, made me speculate myself that after all I might become
one. How absurd it seems to me now when I recall those days. I asked
her once what kind of a man I should be, but she seemed to have
formed no concrete idea as to that; only she said that I was sure to live
in a house with grand entrance hall, and ride in a private rikisha.
And Kiyo seemed to have decided for herself to live with me when I
became independent and occupy my own house. "Please let me live
with you,"--she repeatedly asked of me. Feeling somewhat that I should
eventually be able to own a house, I answered her "Yes," as far as such
an answer went. This woman, by the way, was strongly imaginative.
She questioned me what place I liked,--Kojimachi-ku or
Azabu-ku?--and suggested that I should have a swing in our garden,
that one room be enough for European style, etc., planning everything
to suit her own fancy. I did not then care a straw for anything like a
house; so neither Japanese nor European style was much of use to me,
and I told her to that effect. Then she would praise me as uncovetous
and clean of heart. Whatever I said, she had praise for me.
I lived, after the death of mother, in this fashion for five or six years. I
had kicks from father, had rows with brother, and had candies and
praise from Kiyo. I cared for nothing more; I thought this was enough.
I imagined all other boys were leading about the same kind of life. As
Kiyo frequently told me, however, that I was to be pitied, and was

unfortunate, I imagined that that might be so. There was nothing that
particularly worried me except that father was too tight with my pocket
money, and this was rather hard on me.
In January of the 6th year after mother's death, father died of apoplexy.
In April of the same year, I graduated from a middle school, and two
months later, my brother graduated from a business college. Soon he
obtained a job in the Kyushu branch of a certain firm and had to go
there, while I had to remain in Tokyo and continue my study. He
proposed the sale of our house and the realization of our property, to
which I answered "Just as you like it." I had no intention of depending
upon him anyway. Even were he to look after me, I was sure of his
starting something which would eventually end in a smash-up as we
were prone to quarrel on the least pretext. It was because in order to
receive his protection that I should have to bow before such a fellow,
that I resolved that I would live by myself even if I