Blood, Sweat Tea | Page 2

the scoop, all the time continuing the CPR and giving potentially lifesaving drugs. We then carried him, with the help of his team-mates to the ambulance and rushed him to hospital.
Unfortunately, the patient never regained consciousness, and died in the resuscitation room.
Thirty-four years old, normally fit and healthy - and he drops dead on a football pitch. Despite our best efforts there was nothing more we could have done for him; the treatment went according to plan and the resuscitation attempt went smoothly. This was a 'proper' job, but one job we would have happily done without.
Why Won't They Let Me Do This?
Here is a moan about something that I am not allowed to do. I'm not allowed to run people over in my job. I could really clear the streets of a lot of stupid people if I was able to do that.
Picture the scene: there I am, driving through the streets of London in big white van, with blue flashing lights, loud sirens running and the word Ambulance written in rather large letters. As a pedestrian, what would you do? Would you think 'Hmm, being run over by that would really hurt, I think I'll wait the 12nanoseconds that it takes him to drive past before I cross the road'. Or would you, as most of the people in my area apparently do, think 'Hmm, an Ambulance on his way to an important job, I bet I can run across the road in front of him before he can hit me'.
During the last job, three people tried to dive under my ambulance. If I was allowed (by government grant or some such) to keep driving and splat them across my windscreen, that would mean three less idiots being allowed to breed tonight.
Oh well, I might get lucky later tonight.
Dear Mr Alcoholic
...Can all alcoholics please just get drunk in their houses and fall asleep there? Why do you insist that you drink your Tennent's Super in a public place where some do-gooder will think you are ill and call for an ambulance.
...Can you also have a bath once in a while? I know it's nice to roll around in the road while drunk, but it would be nice if you were at least a bit clean to start with.
...Would you mind awfully if you don't swear at me, take a swing at me or expose yourself to me. I have quite enough abuse from the non-drunks out there... Still at least your fists are easy to dodge, and if I stop holding you up, you fall over.
...If you have a medical condition, please don't use it as an excuse to get taken into hospital. If you tell me 'I'm drunk and need to sleep it off', I have less work to do than if you tell me that you have 'Chest pain, Angina, Cancer and Difficulty in Breathing'. The more tests I have to do the longer it will be before you get to hospital, and the more I have to come into physical contact with you. If you are just drunk, then I can just be a taxi.
...When you have been sick, at some point in the next week or so, could you please change your clothing. Give them to someone who hasn't knackered their brain on booze to wash. Dry vomit on the clothing, while advertising your love for beer, doesn't endear yourself to me thankyouverymuch.
...Please keep your weight down either through diet or terminal liver failure. I'm the poor bastard that has to lug the dead weight of your unconscious body into the ambulance.
...You don't have to tell me 'I'm an alcoholic', and sound so proud about it. I do have a nose, and can smell for myself.
...Finally although Tennent's Super Strong lager, White Lightning, and for the rare rich alcoholic Stella Artois are perfectly acceptable drinks, could you please come up with something less damaging? I think lighter fuel is better for you and contains fewer chemicals.
A Child is Born...
The story of the first baby I delivered - I can still remember it now. I can also remember my feeling of relief when it all went smoothly. Yet still managed to turn it into a rant about Midwifery.
Just in from my late-shift and feeling more upbeat than normal. Tonight I delivered my first baby... and yet I can still turn this happy event into a rant.
Picture the scene, you are a midwife (this means you have a chip on your shoulder the size of the African debt), and a lady comes in to your maternity department in the second stage of labour. Do you...
(a) Say hello, take a room and we'll have that baby out as soon as we can, or...
(b) Tell them to go home and come back when the pain gets worse.
Guess which