Blood, Sweat Tea | Page 7

with blue flashing lights on top; I am
sometimes pleasantly surprised at the lengths some people will go to in
order to get out of the way. For example, yesterday we had people
nearly grounding their cars on roundabouts and roadside verges,

squeezing into parking spots I wouldn't be able to fit a Mini Cooper in
and swearing at other drivers who wouldn't move out of the way. I've
had workmen stand in the middle of the road and stop traffic, lollypop
ladies fence off crossings with their 'lollypops' and van drivers who I
have clipped while squeezing past them wave me on and tell me, 'don't
worry about a little damage'.
Yesterday we had all the above on one call (except hitting a van driver),
it was like the Red Sea parting before us. It was a beautiful thing to
behold; it left us in awe and wonder.
Shame we were going to 2-year-old with a cough.
This is a rare occurrence.
The Dangers of Prostitution
Occasionally you get a job that makes you laugh; normally because the
person you are picking up is an idiot. We got called to a chip shop in
one of the main roads in Newham - unfortunately there are about 20
chip shops on this road, but we managed to narrow it down by looking
for the shiny white police car parked outside. The call had been given
as an 'assault' which can mean anything from a slap on the face to a
fatal stabbing.
In this instance it was a young lad, the spitting image of 'Ali G', who
was complaining that he had been hit on the nose, needless to say there
wasn't a mark on him, and it turned out that he had been hit by his
girlfriend. The police wanted to take statements, but he wasn't
interested and when I tried to assess him he told me that the ambulance
wasn't needed as 'I'm St Johns innit, and a security guard'. This fella
couldn't scare a toddler, so I suspected he was telling a little bit of a lie.
As he wasn't hurt and 'refused aid' my crew-mate and I retreated to a
safe distance to do our paperwork...
In the course of the night we found ourselves at the local hospital
(dropping off yet another ill person) when who should walk in with
another crew from my station, but our earlier 'Ali G' lookalike. I asked

him why he decided to call an ambulance when he'd already sent us
packing and it turned out that another woman had hit him... the
prostitute he'd hired after his girlfriend had slapped him. Turns out she
had hit him and then robbed him of his jewellery. He couldn't have put
up much of a fight because he only had one scratch on him.
It's pillocks like these we have to put up with... and call 'sir'...
However, it is also jobs like this that we can use to have a good laugh
with our workmates. So people like him do serve some purpose.
My Night Shift
Much fun and games last night, working in the Poplar/Bow area. Not
only did some German bloke graffiti on the back of one of the
ambulances, but he also called the crew from a payphone and ran off,
repeating it twice.
There are a lot of strange people out there...
MacMedic (an American ambulance blog) gave a rundown of what his
shifts are like, so I thought I'd do the same, in honour of our brothers in
foreign climes.
All these people called an ambulance last night by dialling '999'.
(a) Fractured wrist - young lad at the Boat show.
(b) An alcoholic 'frequent flyer' who has just been released from
prison... We thought we'd got rid of him for good.
(c) A 15-year-old with a runny nose.
(d) Very minor RTA.
(e) Domestic Assault, with no actual injury, but police already on
scene.
(f) 'Facial Injury' which turned out to mean 'Some bloke kicked my

door'.
(g) Assault with a cut hand - actually a decent injury with tendon
involvement (which means surgery and physiotherapy).
(h) Varicose Vein that had burst - plenty of blood everywhere.
(i) A 29-year-old with chest pain, hyperventilating, with very upset
relatives.
(j) A suicidal overdose in a house filled with young men with short hair
and tight T-shirts (ifyouknowwhatImean).
(k) RTA with a traffic light pole coming off the worse in a two-car
collision.
(l) An 8-month pregnant female who had fallen earlier that day.
and...
(m) A fitting 9-year-old; only parent spoke English, and they decided to
stay at home and send the father who doesn't speak English with us,
because 'The hospital has interpreters...'
Now, out of these thirteen jobs, only five actually went to hospital...
This counts as