Biltmore Oswald

Biltmore Oswald, by J. Thorne
Smith, Jr.

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Title: Biltmore Oswald The Diary of a Hapless Recruit
Author: J. Thorne Smith, Jr.
Release Date: September 3, 2005 [EBook #16634]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ASCII
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OSWALD ***

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BILTMORE OSWALD
THE DIARY OF A HAPLESS RECRUIT

BY
J. THORNE SMITH, JR. U.S.N.R.F.
WITH 31 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE
BY
RICHARD DORGAN ("Dick Dorgan") U.S.N.R.F.

[Illustration]
NEW YORK
FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY
PUBLISHERS
Copyright, 1918, by
Frederick A. Stokes Company All Rights Reserved
Reprinted from THE BROADSIDE A JOURNAL FOR THE NAVAL
RESERVE FORCE
DEDICATION
To my buddies, an unscrupulous, clamorous crew of pirates, as loyal
and generous a lot as ever returned a borrowed dress jumper with dirty
tapes; to numerous jimmy-legs and P.O.'s whose cantankerous tempers
have furnished me with much material for this book; and also to a dog,
an admirable dog whom I choose to call Mr. Fogerty, with apologies to
this dog if in these pages his slave has unwittingly maligned his
character or in any way cast suspicion upon his moral integrity.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
"Biltmore Oswald" Frontispiece

"'Do you enlist for foreign service?' he snapped. 'Sure,' I replied, 'it will
all be foreign to me'" 2
"The departure was moist" 3
"Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of Pelham 'hop'" 4
"I feel like a masquerade" 5
"This, I thought, was adding insult to injury" 6
"Mother kept screaming through the wire about my underwear" 7
"A bill from a restaurant for $18.00 worth of past luncheons" 8
"He missed the dirty whites, but I will never be the same" 9
"Fire drill" 10
"This is designed to give us physical poise" 11
"Liberty Party" 14
"Of course I played the game no more" 20
"She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A." 21
"I wasn't so very wrong--just the slight difference between port and
present arms" 24
"The first thing he did was to mix poor dear grandfather a drink" 25
"I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make it lighter" 28
"One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed over my body"
29
"The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed" 32

"This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of business" 44
"I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger" 45
"I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he can to keep
clean" 48
"I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and
several of the better sort of goats" 49
"I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort" 52
"I lost completely something in the neighborhood of 10,000 men" 53
"Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust" 58
"For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed" 59
"I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the southern
section of the State of Montana" 76
"'Oh,' said Tony, 'I thought this was a restaurant'" 77
"'I would still remain in a dense fog,' I gasped in a low voice" 82
"'Buddy' I came in and 'Buddy' I go out" 83

BILTMORE OSWALD
The Diary of A Hapless Recruit
Feb. 23d. "And what," asked the enlisting officer, regarding me as if I
had insulted him, his family and his live stock, "leads you to believe
that you are remotely qualified to join the Navy?"
At this I almost dropped my cane, which in the stress of my patriotic
preoccupation I had forgotten to leave home.

"Nothing," I replied, making a hasty calculation of my numerous
useless accomplishments, "nothing at all, sir, that is, nothing to speak
of. Of course I've passed a couple of seasons at Bar Harbor--perhaps
that--"
"Bar Harbor!" exploded the officer. "Bar! bah! bah--dammit," he broke
off, "I'm bleating."
"Yes, sir," said I with becoming humility. His hostility increased.
"Do you enlist for foreign service?" he snapped.
"Sure," I replied. "It will all be foreign to me."
The long line of expectant recruits began to close in upon us until a
thirsty, ingratiating semi-circle was formed around the officer's desk.
Upon the multitude he glared bitterly.
"Orderly! why can't you keep this line in some sort of shape?"
"Yes, give the old tosh some air,"