Billy Baxters Letters | Page 8

description of the Grand
Opera "Die Walkure" in this book is given precisely as it occurred; and
although the up-to-date slang used might suggest exaggeration, such is
really not the case. Again we ask that your name be written plainly.
This caution is not addressed to the women. We have given up all hope
of ever getting a readable signature from a woman. Don't think for a
moment that we have anything against the women. Heaven forbid! We

merely say that if there is a woman in the United States who can write
plainly, that particular woman hasn't written us yet.
In Society
Pittsburg, Pa., Feb. 1, 1899.
Dear Jim:
There is no new scandal worth mentioning. What I started to write you
about was Hemingway's duplicate whist party which was pulled off last
night. I had a bid, and as there was nothing else stirring, I put on that
boy's size dress suit of mine, and blew out there. Jim, you know the
signs you see on the dummies in front of these little Yiddisher stores,
"Take me home for $io.98," or "I used to be $6.21, now I'm yours for
$3.39." Well, that's your Uncle Bill in a dress suit. Every one takes me
for a waiter.
I have just been thinking this society push over, and I have come to the
conclusion that an active leader in society has more troubles than a man
in the wheat pit, and a man in the wheat pit is long on troubles about as
often as he is on wheat. If you don't believe it, ask Joe Leiter. He was
long on both at the same time.
Take the woman who uses fair English and has coin, and let her display
the same good cold judgment that has made her husband successful in
business, and some rainy Thursday morning the four hundred will wake
up and find a new member has joined the order. While she is on her
way she'll get many a frost, but after she lands she'll even up on the
other candidates.
I have heard it said that locomotive engineers as a rule suffer from
kidney troubles, caused by the jolting and bumping of the engine. If
jolts and bumps go for anything, some of these people who are trying to
break into society must have Bright's Disease something grievous.
Jim, if you have never been to a duplicate whist party, see some of
those people play whist and then order your shroud. Last night for a
partner I drew an old girl who was a Colonial Dame because her
ancestors on both sides had worked on the Old Colony Railroad. She
must have taken a foolish powder or something, just before she left
home, as she was clean to the bad. She had to be called five minutes
before each play, and the way she trumped my ace the first time around
was enough to drive a person dippy. Once she mentioned her husband's
diamond-studded airship. Poor old lady! Probably took a double dose

by mistake. How careless!
Everybody was making a great fuss over some girl who is lecturing
throughout the country on "Man as Woman Sees Him." Talk about
lavish eyes. My boy! my boy! but this dame was there with the swell
lamps. A hundred candle power easily. I tried to sit up to her, but there
was nothing doing. I might have known I was a dead one. Because why?
Because Mr. Percy Harold was talking to her, and he knows all about
rare china, real old lace, and such things. When I came up the subject
was Du Bois' Messe de Mariage. (Spelling not guaranteed.) I asked
about it this morning, Jim. A Messe de Mariage seems to be some kind
of a wedding march, and a bishop who is a real hot dog won't issue a
certificate unless the band plays the Messe. Mr. Percy Harold kept right
on talking about Jack Hayes being so desperately in love with Mrs.
Hardy- Steele, and how late they were getting home from the Opera the
other night, and what a shame it was, as Mr. Steele seemed like such a
nice fellow. There I stood like a Harlem goat. I couldn't cut in, because
I have so many troubles of my own getting home from any place at all
that I haven't time to keep tab on other people. I must be as slow getting
onto a scandal as the injured husband. If 115,000 people know
something about a woman, my number is 14,999, and the husband's
number is 15,000. It seems strange, but the husband always seems to
get wise last.
But to return to the girl with the electric eyes. I hung around in that sad
dress suit like a big