Billy Baxters Letters | Page 5

way back, I met the half-breed, and we walked together. On
reaching the house we happened to glance through the window, and
there was Teddy with his arm around the young wife's waist. Teddy
always was a rubber. It was lovely cards for a while, and Teddy worked
the old gag that he was showing her how they did in a play, but she
wasn't wise enough to follow it up, so we had to leave.
While returning on the train I made the horrible discovery that I had
been using my buckshot on the ducks and my birdshot on the deer. I
can see how the deer got away, but I'll say one thing, and that is, that if
a passing duck had ever reached his mitt out for one of those buckshot
he would have thought Rusie was doing the pitching. He would have
got it fine and daisy.
I am not for the country. They have ticks, jiggers, and gnats, all doing a
nice conservative business at once. You never had a tick on you, did
you, Jim? Well, a tick is a very busy little cup of tea. First, he'll crawl
all over you, and then select a spot on the back directly between the
shoulder blades, where you can't reach him. I talked to a man who was
up on ticks, and he said a tick was wiser than a bedbug. Now, you take
a bedbug whose head is perfectly clear, and who hasn't been drinking
or smoking too much, and there won't be many men on Wall Street
much wiser than he is. Well, after a tick gets his place picked out he
burrows in under the skin, then dies and festers. You wouldn't catch a
bedbug standing for that martyr game.
There should be some kind of a law against gnats. About two hundred
of them will stay right in front of your eyes until one of them gets an
opening; then he'll cut in and land a jab, and the other hundred and
ninety-nine will give you the Big Minnehaha. I had so many lumps on
me when I got back to St. Paul that they called me Pneumatic Willie.
Talk about your sylvan dells and sweet-scented fragrance! Why, an
asphalt street has a sylvan dell skinned to death, and a twelve-percent
soap factory is sweet enough for me.
Yours as ever,
Billy.
P. S.--Good night. I'm for the sleeps.

ONE NIGHT
A Kind of a Preface
The Baxter Letters are written in the up-to-date slang of the day, by one
who has seen several of the sides of life, and who has also come in
contact with a few of the corners.
We will mail "One Night" to any address in North America upon
receipt of four cents* in postage. Do not lick stamps and attach to letter
of request, as at some future date we may wish to use same, and the
Government foolishly requires a whole stamp.
As there are several people in the United States with whom we are not
personally acquainted, and not being mind-readers, we ask that all
signatures be written plainly.
* This offer is superseded by the publication of this volume.
Admiral Dewey's Letter
In November, 1898 we sent Admiral Dewey a copy of "One Night."
The appended letter is photographed from the original reply addressed
to the president of our company, which was received March 9, 1899.
Flagship Olympia Manila,
Jan'y 28/99
Dear Sir,
Accept my best thanks for the book (One Night) which you were good
enough to send me.
Very truly
George Dewey
We also sent a copy to His Royal Highness, Albert, Prince of Wales,
and, having heard nothing from him, it now looks as though Al were
going to snob us. Under the circumstances, when he runs for King we
can't be for him.
One Night
Pittsburg, PA., August, 189-.
Dear Jim:
You remember I wrote you about a sack suit I ordered last week. Well,
it came yesterday, and you know the finish. Why can't a fellow put on a
new suit, make a few calls, and go home like a gentleman? The minute
I got into that suit, I fell off the water wagon with an awful bump,
although I hadn't touched a drink for thirty-seven days. Oh! But I got a
lovely bun on. That's the last. No more for me. There's nothing in it. If

anybody says, "Have something, Billy," you'll see your Uncle Bill take
to the trees.
Yesterday at 2:30 I had a hundred and ten dollars; this morning I'm
there with a dollar eighty, and that's the draw out of a two-dollar touch.
If there is any truth in the old saying that money talks, I am certainly
deaf and dumb to-day. Besides I