Behind the Beyond

Behind the Beyond, by Stephen
Leacock,

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Title: Behind the Beyond and Other Contributions to Human
Knowledge
Author: Stephen Leacock

Release Date: November 11, 2007 [eBook #23449]
Language: English
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BEHIND THE BEYOND
by
STEPHEN LEACOCK
* * * * *
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
NONSENSE NOVELS 12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.00
LITERARY LAPSES 12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.25
SUNSHINE SKETCHES 12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.25
JOHN LANE COMPANY PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PROLOGUE]

BEHIND THE ::: BEYOND :::
And Other Contributions to Human Knowledge
by
STEPHEN LEACOCK

Author of "Nonsense Novels," "Literary ::: Lapses," "Sunshine
Sketches," Etc. :::
Illustrated by A. H. Fish

[Illustration]
New York: John Lane Company London: John Lane, The Bodley Head
Toronto: Bell & Cockburn. Mcmxiii
Copyright, 1913, by The Crowell Publishing Company
Copyright, 1913, by The Century Company
Copyright, 1913, by John Lane Company

CONTENTS
BEHIND THE BEYOND 11
FAMILIAR INCIDENTS
I. WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHER 53
II. THE DENTIST AND THE GAS 61
III. MY LOST OPPORTUNITIES 69
IV. MY UNKNOWN FRIEND 74
V. UNDER THE BARBER'S KNIFE 84
PARISIAN PASTIMES
I. THE ADVANTAGES OF A POLITE EDUCATION 93

II. THE JOYS OF PHILANTHROPY 104
III. THE SIMPLE LIFE IN PARIS 117
IV. A VISIT TO VERSAILLES 129
V. PARIS AT NIGHT 143
THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS 159
MAKING A MAGAZINE 169
HOMER AND HUMBUG 185

ILLUSTRATIONS
THE PROLOGUE Frontispiece
TO FACE PAGE
THE CURTAIN RISES 12
THEIR EXPRESSION IS STAMPED WITH DEEP THOUGHT 28
HE KISSES HER ON THE BARE SHOULDER 30
HE TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS 50
"IS IT ME?" 58
I DID GO--I KEPT THE APPOINTMENT 66
HE SHOWED ME A CHURCH THAT I COULD HAVE BOUGHT
FOR A HUNDRED THOUSAND 72
I SHALL NOT TRY TO BE QUITE SO EXTRAORDINARILY
CLEVER 84

WHEN HE REACHED MY FACE HE LOOKED SEARCHINGLY
AT IT 88
THE TAILOR SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS 98
SOMETHING IN THE QUIET DIGNITY OF THE YOUNG MAN
HELD ME 114
THE PARISIAN DOG 120
PERSONALLY I PLEAD GUILTY TO SOMETHING OF THE
SAME SPIRIT 142
THE LADY'S FACE IS AGLOW WITH MORAL ENTHUSIASM 146
MEANWHILE HE HAD BECOME A QUAINT-LOOKING
ELDERLY MAN 166
WITH ALL THE LOW CUNNING OF AN AUTHOR STAMPED ON
HIS FEATURES 174

BEHIND THE BEYOND
A Modern Problem Play

Act I.--Behind the Beyond
THE curtain rises, disclosing the ushers of the theater still moving up
and down the aisles. Cries of "Program!" "Program!" are heard. There
is a buzz of brilliant conversation, illuminated with flashes of opera
glasses and the rattle of expensive jewelry.
Then suddenly, almost unexpectedly, in fact just as if done, so to speak,
by machinery, the lights all over the theater, except on the stage, are
extinguished. Absolute silence falls. Here and there is heard the crackle
of a shirt front. But there is no other sound.

In this expectant hush, a man in a check tweed suit walks on the stage:
only one man, one single man. Because if he had been accompanied by
a chorus, that would have been a burlesque; if four citizens in togas had
been with him, that would have been Shakespeare; if two Russian
soldiers had walked after him, that would have been melodrama. But
this is none of these. This is a problem play. So he steps in alone, all
alone, and with that absolute finish of step, that ability to walk as
if,--how can one express it?--as if he were walking, that betrays the
finished actor.
He has, in fact, barely had time to lay down his silk hat, when he is
completely betrayed. You can see that he is a finished actor--finished
about fifteen years ago. He lays the hat, hollow side up, on the silk hat
table on the stage right center--bearing north, northeast, half a point
west from the red mica fire on the stage which warms the theater.
All this is done very, very quietly, very impressively. No one in the
theater has ever seen a man lay a silk hat on a table before, and so there
is