Behind the Beyond

Behind the Beyond, by Stephen Leacock,

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Title: Behind the Beyond and Other Contributions to Human Knowledge
Author: Stephen Leacock

Release Date: November 11, 2007 [eBook #23449]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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BEHIND THE BEYOND
by
STEPHEN LEACOCK
* * * * *
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
NONSENSE NOVELS 12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.00
LITERARY LAPSES 12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.25
SUNSHINE SKETCHES 12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.25
JOHN LANE COMPANY PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PROLOGUE]

BEHIND THE ::: BEYOND :::
And Other Contributions to Human Knowledge
by
STEPHEN LEACOCK
Author of "Nonsense Novels," "Literary ::: Lapses," "Sunshine Sketches," Etc. :::
Illustrated by A. H. Fish

[Illustration]
New York: John Lane Company London: John Lane, The Bodley Head Toronto: Bell & Cockburn. Mcmxiii
Copyright, 1913, by The Crowell Publishing Company
Copyright, 1913, by The Century Company
Copyright, 1913, by John Lane Company

CONTENTS
BEHIND THE BEYOND 11
FAMILIAR INCIDENTS
I. WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHER 53
II. THE DENTIST AND THE GAS 61
III. MY LOST OPPORTUNITIES 69
IV. MY UNKNOWN FRIEND 74
V. UNDER THE BARBER'S KNIFE 84
PARISIAN PASTIMES
I. THE ADVANTAGES OF A POLITE EDUCATION 93
II. THE JOYS OF PHILANTHROPY 104
III. THE SIMPLE LIFE IN PARIS 117
IV. A VISIT TO VERSAILLES 129
V. PARIS AT NIGHT 143
THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS 159
MAKING A MAGAZINE 169
HOMER AND HUMBUG 185

ILLUSTRATIONS
THE PROLOGUE Frontispiece
TO FACE PAGE
THE CURTAIN RISES 12
THEIR EXPRESSION IS STAMPED WITH DEEP THOUGHT 28
HE KISSES HER ON THE BARE SHOULDER 30
HE TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS 50
"IS IT ME?" 58
I DID GO--I KEPT THE APPOINTMENT 66
HE SHOWED ME A CHURCH THAT I COULD HAVE BOUGHT FOR A HUNDRED THOUSAND 72
I SHALL NOT TRY TO BE QUITE SO EXTRAORDINARILY CLEVER 84
WHEN HE REACHED MY FACE HE LOOKED SEARCHINGLY AT IT 88
THE TAILOR SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS 98
SOMETHING IN THE QUIET DIGNITY OF THE YOUNG MAN HELD ME 114
THE PARISIAN DOG 120
PERSONALLY I PLEAD GUILTY TO SOMETHING OF THE SAME SPIRIT 142
THE LADY'S FACE IS AGLOW WITH MORAL ENTHUSIASM 146
MEANWHILE HE HAD BECOME A QUAINT-LOOKING ELDERLY MAN 166
WITH ALL THE LOW CUNNING OF AN AUTHOR STAMPED ON HIS FEATURES 174

BEHIND THE BEYOND
A Modern Problem Play

Act I.--Behind the Beyond
THE curtain rises, disclosing the ushers of the theater still moving up and down the aisles. Cries of "Program!" "Program!" are heard. There is a buzz of brilliant conversation, illuminated with flashes of opera glasses and the rattle of expensive jewelry.
Then suddenly, almost unexpectedly, in fact just as if done, so to speak, by machinery, the lights all over the theater, except on the stage, are extinguished. Absolute silence falls. Here and there is heard the crackle of a shirt front. But there is no other sound.
In this expectant hush, a man in a check tweed suit walks on the stage: only one man, one single man. Because if he had been accompanied by a chorus, that would have been a burlesque; if four citizens in togas had been with him, that would have been Shakespeare; if two Russian soldiers had walked after him, that would have been melodrama. But this is none of these. This is a problem play. So he steps in alone, all alone, and with that absolute finish of step, that ability to walk as if,--how can one express it?--as if he were walking, that betrays the finished actor.
He has, in fact, barely had time to lay down his silk hat, when he is completely betrayed. You can see that he is a finished actor--finished about fifteen years ago. He lays the hat, hollow side up, on the silk hat table on the stage right center--bearing north, northeast, half a point west from the red mica fire on the stage which warms the theater.
All this is done very, very quietly, very impressively. No one in the theater has ever seen a man lay a silk hat on a table before, and so there is a breathless hush. Then he takes off his gloves, one by one, not two or three at a time, and lays them in his hat. The expectancy is almost painful. If he had thrown his gloves into the mica fire it would have been a relief. But he doesn't.
[Illustration: The Curtain rises.]
The man on the stage picks up a pile of letters from the letter department of the hat table. There are a great many of these letters, because all his