Beauchamps Career | Page 5

line of England's defence, her navy? These were questions,
and Ministers were called upon to answer them. The Press answered
them boldly, with the appalling statement that we had no navy and no
army. At the most we could muster a few old ships, a couple of
experimental vessels of war, and twenty-five thousand soldiers
indifferently weaponed.
We were in fact as naked to the Imperial foe as the merely painted
Britons.
This being apprehended, by the aid of our own shortness of figures and
the agitated images of the red-breeched only waiting the signal to jump
and be at us, there ensued a curious exhibition that would be termed, in
simple language, writing to the newspapers, for it took the outward
form of letters: in reality, it was the deliberate saddling of our ancient
nightmare of Invasion, putting the postillion on her, and trotting her
along the high-road with a winding horn to rouse old Panic. Panic we
will, for the sake of convenience, assume to be of the feminine gender,
and a spinster, though properly she should be classed with the large
mixed race of mental and moral neuters which are the bulk of
comfortable nations. She turned in her bed at first like the sluggard of
the venerable hymnist: but once fairly awakened, she directed a stare
toward the terrific foreign contortionists, and became in an instant all
stormy nightcap and fingers starving for the bell-rope. Forthwith she
burst into a series of shrieks, howls, and high piercing notes that caused
even the parliamentary Opposition, in the heat of an assault on a
parsimonious Government, to abandon its temporary advantage and be
still awhile. Yet she likewise performed her part with a certain

deliberation and method, as if aware that it was a part she had to play in
the composition of a singular people. She did a little mischief by
dropping on the stock- markets; in other respects she was harmless, and,
inasmuch as she established a subject for conversation, useful.
Then, lest she should have been taken too seriously, the Press, which
had kindled, proceeded to extinguish her with the formidable engines
called leading articles, which fling fire or water, as the occasion may
require. It turned out that we had ships ready for launching, and certain
regiments coming home from India; hedges we had, and a spirited body
of yeomanry; and we had pluck and patriotism, the father and mother of
volunteers innumerable. Things were not so bad.
Panic, however, sent up a plaintive whine. What country had anything
like our treasures to defend? countless riches, beautiful women, an
inviolate soil! True, and it must be done. Ministers were authoritatively
summoned to set to work immediately. They replied that they had been
at work all the time, and were at work now. They could assure the
country, that though they flourished no trumpets, they positively
guaranteed the safety of our virgins and coffers.
Then the people, rather ashamed, abused the Press for unreasonably
disturbing them. The Press attacked old Panic and stripped her naked.
Panic, with a desolate scream, arraigned the parliamentary Opposition
for having inflated her to serve base party purposes. The Opposition
challenged the allegations of Government, pointed to the trimness of
army and navy during its term of office, and proclaimed itself
watch-dog of the country, which is at all events an office of a kind.
Hereupon the ambassador of yonder ireful soldiery let fall a word,
saying, by the faith of his Master, there was no necessity for
watch-dogs to bark; an ardent and a reverent army had but fancied its
beloved chosen Chief insulted; the Chief and chosen held them in; he,
despite obloquy, discerned our merits and esteemed us.
So, then, Panic, or what remained of her, was put to bed again. The
Opposition retired into its kennel growling. The People coughed like a
man of two minds, doubting whether he has been divinely inspired or
has cut a ridiculous figure. The Press interpreted the cough as a

warning to Government; and Government launched a big ship with
hurrahs, and ordered the recruiting-sergeant to be seen conspicuously.
And thus we obtained a moderate reinforcement of our arms.
It was not arrived at by connivance all round, though there was a look
of it. Certainly it did not come of accident, though there was a look of
that as well. Nor do we explain much of the secret by attributing it to
the working of a complex machinery. The housewife's remedy of a
good shaking for the invalid who will not arise and dance away his
gout, partly illustrates the action of the Press upon the country: and
perhaps the country shaken may suffer a comparison with the family
chariot of the last century, built in a previous one, commodious,
furnished