Bad Medicine | Page 3

table. With a stiffened forefinger, he
poked it into different positions.
It was time to begin therapy.

Except that....
Caswell realized worriedly that he didn't want to lose the desire to kill Magnessen. What
would become of him if he lost that urge? His life would lose all purpose, all coherence,
all flavor and zest. It would be quite dull, really.
Moreover, he had a great and genuine grievance against Magnessen, one he didn't like to
think about.
Irene!
His poor sister, debauched by the subtle and insidious Magnessen, ruined by him and cast
aside. What better reason could a man have to take his revolver and....
Caswell finally remembered that he did not have a sister.
Now was really the time to begin therapy.
He went into the living room and found the operating instructions tucked into a
ventilation louver of the machine. He opened them and read:
To Operate All Rex Model Regenerators:
1.Place the Regenerator near a comfortable couch. (A comfortable couch can be
purchased as an additional accessory from any General Motors dealer.)
2.Plug in the machine.
3.Affix the adjustable contact-band to the forehead.
And that's all! Your Regenerator will do the rest! There will be no language bar or dialect
problem, since the Regenerator communicates by Direct Sense Contact (Patent Pending).
All you must do is cooperate.
Try not to feel any embarrassment or shame. Everyone has problems and many are worse
than yours! Your Regenerator has no interest in your morals or ethical standards, so don't
feel it is 'judging' you. It desires only to aid you in becoming well and happy.
As soon as it has collected and processed enough data, your Regenerator will begin
treatment. You make the sessions as short or as long as you like. You are the boss! And
of course you can end a session at any time.
That's all there is to it! Simple, isn't it? Now plug in your General Motors Regenerator
and GET SANE!
-- -- -- -- --
"Nothing hard about that," Caswell said to himself. He pushed the Regenerator closer to
the couch and plugged it in. He lifted the headband, started to slip it on, stopped.

"I feel so silly!" he giggled.
Abruptly he closed his mouth and stared pugnaciously at the black-and-chrome machine.
"So you think you can make me sane, huh?"
The Regenerator didn't answer.
"Oh, well, go ahead and try." He slipped the headband over his forehead, crossed his
arms on his chest and leaned back.
Nothing happened. Caswell settled himself more comfortably on the couch. He scratched
his shoulder and put the headband at a more comfortable angle. Still nothing. His
thoughts began to wander.
Magnessen! You noisy, overbearing oaf, you disgusting--
"Good afternoon," a voice murmured in his head. "I am your mechanotherapist."
Caswell twitched guiltily. "Hello. I was just--you know, just sort of--"
"Of course," the machine said soothingly. "Don't we all? I am now scanning the material
in your preconscious with the intent of synthesis, diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment. I
find...."
"Yes?"
"Just one moment." The Regenerator was silent for several minutes. Then, hesitantly, it
said, "This is beyond doubt a most unusual case."
"Really?" Caswell asked, pleased.
"Yes. The coefficients seem--I'm not sure...." The machine's robotic voice grew feeble.
The pilot light began to flicker and fade.
"Hey, what's the matter?"
"Confusion," said the machine. "Of course," it went on in a stronger voice, "the unusual
nature of the symptoms need not prove entirely baffling to a competent therapeutic
machine. A symptom, no matter how bizarre, is no more than a signpost, an indication of
inner difficulty. And all symptoms can be related to the broad mainstream of proven
theory. Since the theory is effective, the symptoms must relate. We will proceed on that
assumption."
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" asked Caswell, feeling lightheaded.
The machine snapped back, its pilot light blazing. "Mechanotherapy today is an exact
science and admits no significant errors. We will proceed with a word-association test."

"Fire away," said Caswell.
"House?"
"Home."
"Dog?"
"Cat."
"Fleefl?"
Caswell hesitated, trying to figure out the word. It sounded vaguely Martian, but it might
be Venusian or even--
"Fleefl?" the Regenerator repeated.
"Marfoosh," Caswell replied, making up the word on the spur of the moment.
"Loud?"
"Sweet."
"Green?"
"Mother."
"Thanagoyes?"
"Patamathonga."
"Arrides?"
"Nexothesmodrastica."
"Chtheesnohelgnopteces?"
"Rigamaroo latasentricpropatria!" Caswell shot back. It was a collection of sounds he
was particularly proud of. The average man would not have been able to pronounce them.
"Hmm," said the Regenerator. "The pattern fits. It always does."
"What pattern?"
"You have," the machine informed him, "a classic case of feem desire, complicated by
strong dwarkish intentions."
"I do? I thought I was homicidal."

"That term has no referent," the machine said severely. "Therefore I must reject it as
nonsense syllabification. Now