Back Again to Paris | Page 6

told me
as much.
"They think I am happy," said she, "and envy my lot; but can one be
happy after the loss of one's self-respect? For the last six months I have
only smiled, not laughed; while at Grenoble I laughed heartily from
true gladness. I have diamonds, lace, a beautiful house, a superb
carriage, a lovely garden, waiting- maids, and a maid of honour who
perhaps despises me; and although the highest Court ladies treat me
like a princess, I do not pass a single day without experiencing some
mortification."

"Mortification?"
"Yes; people come and bring pleas before me, and I am obliged to send
them away as I dare not ask the king anything."
"Why not?"
"Because I cannot look on him as my lover only; he is always my
sovereign, too. Ah! happiness is to be sought for in simple homes, not
in pompous palaces."
"Happiness is gained by complying with the duties of whatever
condition of life one is in, and you must constrain yourself to rise to
that exalted station in which destiny has placed you."
"I cannot do it; I love the king and I am always afraid of vexing him. I
am always thinking that he does too much for me, and thus I dare not
ask for anything for others."
"But I am sure the king would be only too glad to shew his love for you
by benefiting the persons in whom you take an interest."
"I know he would, and that thought makes me happy, but I cannot
overcome my feeling of repugnance to asking favours. I have a hundred
louis a month for pin-money, and I distribute it in alms and presents,
but with due economy, so that I am not penniless at the end of the
month. I have a foolish notion that the chief reason the king loves me is
that I do not importune him."
"And do you love him?"
"How can I help it? He is good-hearted, kindly, handsome, and polite to
excess; in short, he possesses all the qualities to captivate a woman's
heart.
"He is always asking me if I am pleased with my furniture, my clothes,
my servants, and my garden, and if I desire anything altered. I thank
him with a kiss, and tell him that I am pleased with everything."

"Does he ever speak of the scion you are going to present to him?"
"He often says that I ought to be careful of myself in my situation. I am
hoping that he will recognize my son as a prince of the blood; he ought
in justice to do so, as the queen is dead."
"To be sure he will."
"I should be very happy if I had a son. I wish I felt sure that I would
have one. But I say nothing about this to anyone. If I dared speak to the
king about the horoscope, I am certain he would want to know you; but
I am afraid of evil tongues."
"So am I. Continue in your discreet course and nothing will come to
disturb your happiness, which may become greater, and which I am
pleased to have procured for you."
We did not part without tears. She was the first to go, after kissing me
and calling me her best friend. I stayed a short time with Madame
Varnier to compose my feelings, and I told her that I should have
married her instead of drawing her horoscope.
"She would no doubt have been happier. You did not foresee, perhaps,
her timidity and her lack of ambition."
"I can assure you that I did not reckon upon her courage or ambition. I
laid aside my own happiness to think only of hers. But what is done
cannot be recalled, and I shall be consoled if I see her perfectly happy
at last. I hope, indeed, she will be so, above all if she is delivered of a
son."
I dined with Madame d'Urfe, and we decided to send back Aranda to
his boarding-school that we might be more free to pursue our cabalistic
operations; and afterwards I went to the opera, where my brother had
made an appointment with me. He took me to sup at Madame Vanloo's,
and she received me in the friendliest manner possible.
"You will have the pleasure of meeting Madame Blondel and her

husband," said she.
The reader will recollect that Madame Blondel was Manon Baletti,
whom I was to have married.
"Does she know I am coming?" I enquired.
"No, I promise myself the pleasure of seeing her surprise."
"I am much obliged to you for not wishing to enjoy my surprise as well.
We shall see each other again, but not to-day, so I must bid you
farewell; for as I