Augustus Does His Bit | Page 5

at war, I should discharge you on the spot
for disrespectful behavior. But England is in danger; and I cannot think
of my personal dignity at such a moment. [Shouting at him.] Don't you
think of yours, either, worm that you are; or I'll have you arrested under
the Defence of the Realm Act, double quick.
THE CLERK. What do I care about the realm? They done me out of
two and seven--
AUGUSTUS. Oh, damn your two and seven! Did you receive my
letters?
THE CLERK. Yes.
AUGUSTUS. I addressed a meeting here last night--went straight to
the platform from the train. I wrote to you that I should expect you to
be present and report yourself. Why did you not do so?
THE CLERK. The police wouldn't let me on the platform.
AUGUSTUS. Did you tell them who you were?
THE CLERK. They knew who I was. That's why they wouldn't let me
up.
AUGUSTUS. This is too silly for anything. This town wants waking up.
I made the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life; and not a man
joined.
THE CLERK. What did you expect? You told them our gallant fellows
is falling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push. Dying for Little
Pifflington, you says. Come and take their places, you says. That ain't
the way to recruit.
AUGUSTUS. But I expressly told them their widows would have
pensions.
THE CLERK. I heard you. Would have been all right if it had been the
widows you wanted to get round.

AUGUSTUS [rising angrily]. This town is inhabited by dastards. I say
it with a full sense of responsibility, DASTARDS! They call
themselves Englishmen; and they are afraid to fight.
THE CLERK. Afraid to fight! You should see them on a Saturday
night.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, they fight one another; but they won't fight the
Germans.
THE CLERK. They got grudges again one another: how can they have
grudges again the Huns that they never saw? They've no imagination:
that's what it is. Bring the Huns here; and they'll quarrel with them fast
enough.
AUGUSTUS [returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust]. Mf! They'll
have them here if they're not careful. [Seated.] Have you carried out my
orders about the war saving?
THE CLERK. Yes.
AUGUSTUS. The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three
quarters?
THE CLERK. It has.
AUGUSTUS. And you have told the motor-car people to come here
and arrange to start munition work now that their motor business is
stopped?
THE CLERK. It ain't stopped. They're busier than ever.
AUGUSTUS. Busy at what?
THE CLERK. Making small cars.
AUGUSTUS. NEW cars!
THE CLERK. The old cars only do twelve miles to the gallon.
Everybody has to have a car that will do thirty-five now.
AUGUSTUS. Can't they take the train?
THE CLERK. There ain't no trains now. They've tore up the rails and
sent them to the front.
AUGUSTUS. Psha!
THE CLERK. Well, we have to get about somehow.
AUGUSTUS. This is perfectly monstrous. Not in the least what I
intended.
THE CLERK. Hell--
AUGUSTUS. Sir!
THE CLERK [explaining]. Hell, they says, is paved with good

intentions.
AUGUSTUS [springing to his feet]. Do you mean to insinuate that hell
is paved with MY good intentions--with the good intentions of His
Majesty's Government?
THE CLERK. I don't mean to insinuate anything until the Defence of
the Realm Act is repealed. It ain't safe.
AUGUSTUS. They told me that this town had set an example to all
England in the matter of economy. I came down here to promise the
Mayor a knighthood for his exertions.
THE CLERK. The Mayor! Where do I come in?
AUGUSTUS. You don't come in. You go out. This is a fool of a place.
I'm greatly disappointed. Deeply disappointed. [Flinging himself back
into his chair.] Disgusted.
THE CLERK. What more can we do? We've shut up everything. The
picture gallery is shut. The museum is shut. The theatres and picture
shows is shut: I haven't seen a movie picture for six months.
AUGUSTUS. Man, man: do you want to see picture shows when the
Hun is at the gate?
THE CLERK [mournfully]. I don't now, though it drove me
melancholy mad at first. I was on the point of taking a pennorth of rat
poison--
AUGUSTUS. Why didn't you?
THE CLERK. Because a friend advised me to take to drink instead.
That saved my life, though it makes me very poor company in the
mornings, as [hiccuping] perhaps you've noticed.
AUGUSTUS. Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there
and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard.
THE CLERK. Well, what of it? We're at war now; and everything's
changed. Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking