Augustus Does His Bit | Page 7

youngest daughter of--
THE CLERK. That ain't what I mean. Can you see a female?
AUGUSTUS. Of course I can see a female as easily as a male. Do you suppose I'm blind?
THE CLERK. You don't seem to follow me, somehow. There's a female downstairs: what you might call a lady. She wants to know can you see her if I let her up.
AUGUSTUS. Oh, you mean am I disengaged. Tell the lady I have just received news of the greatest importance which will occupy my entire attention for the rest of the day, and that she must write for an appointment.
THE CLERK. I'll ask her to explain her business to me. I ain't above talking to a handsome young female when I get the chance [going].
AUGUSTUS. Stop. Does she seem to be a person of consequence?
THE CLERK. A regular marchioness, if you ask me.
AUGUSTUS. Hm! Beautiful, did you say?
THE CLERK. A human chrysanthemum, sir, believe me.
AUGUSTUS. It will be extremely inconvenient for me to see her; but the country is in danger; and we must not consider our own comfort. Think how our gallant fellows are suffering in the trenches! Show her up. [The clerk makes for the door, whistling the latest popular ballad]. Stop whistling instantly, sir. This is not a casino.
CLERK. Ain't it? You just wait till you see her. [He goes out.]
Augustus produces a mirror, a comb, and a pot of moustache pomade from the drawer of the writing-table, and sits down before the mirror to put some touches to his toilet.
The clerk returns, devotedly ushering a very attractive lady, brilliantly dressed. She has a dainty wallet hanging from her wrist. Augustus hastily covers up his toilet apparatus with The Morning Post, and rises in an attitude of pompous condescension.
THE CLERK [to Augustus]. Here she is. [To the lady.] May I offer you a chair, lady? [He places a chair at the writing-table opposite Augustus, and steals out on tiptoe.]
AUGUSTUS. Be seated, madam.
THE LADY [sitting down]. Are you Lord Augustus Highcastle?
AUGUSTUS [sitting also]. Madam, I am.
TAE LADY [with awe]. The great Lord Augustus?
AUGUSTUS. I should not dream of describing myself so, Madam; but no doubt I have impressed my countrymen--and [bowing gallantly] may I say my countrywomen--as having some exceptional claims to their consideration.
THE LADY [emotionally]. What a beautiful voice you have!
AUGUSTUS. What you hear, madam, is the voice of my country, which now takes a sweet and noble tone even in the harsh mouth of high officialism.
THE LADY. Please go on. You express yourself so wonderfully!
AUGUSTUS. It would be strange indeed if, after sitting on thirty-seven Royal Commissions, mostly as chairman, I had not mastered the art of public expression. Even the Radical papers have paid me the high compliment of declaring that I am never more impressive than when I have nothing to say.
THE LADY. I never read the Radical papers. All I can tell you is that what we women admire in you is not the politician, but the man of action, the heroic warrior, the beau sabreur.
AUGUSTUS [gloomily]. Madam, I beg! Please! My military exploits are not a pleasant subject, unhappily.
THE LADY. Oh, I know I know. How shamefully you have been treated! what ingratitude! But the country is with you. The women are with you. Oh, do you think all our hearts did not throb and all our nerves thrill when we heard how, when you were ordered to occupy that terrible quarry in Hulluch, and you swept into it at the head of your men like a sea-god riding on a tidal wave, you suddenly sprang over the top shouting "To Berlin! Forward!"; dashed at the German army single-handed; and were cut off and made prisoner by the Huns.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, madam; and what was my reward? They said I had disobeyed orders, and sent me home. Have they forgotten Nelson in the Baltic? Has any British battle ever been won except by a bold initiative? I say nothing of professional jealousy, it exists in the army as elsewhere; but it is a bitter thought to me that the recognition denied me by my country--or rather by the Radical cabal in the Cabinet which pursues my family with rancorous class hatred--that this recognition, I say, came to me at the hands of an enemy--of a rank Prussian.
THE LADY. You don't say so!
AUGUSTUS. How else should I be here instead of starving to death in Ruhleben? Yes, madam: the Colonel of the Pomeranian regiment which captured me, after learning what I had done, and conversing for an hour with me on European politics and military strategy, declared that nothing would induce him to deprive my country of my services, and set me free. I offered, of course, to procure the release in exchange of a German officer of equal quality; but he would not