Apocolocyntosis | Page 5

have made it a farce. Therefore,
that you may not think I am speaking against one person instead of the
general custom, I propose that from this day forward the godhead be
given to none of those who eat the fruits of the earth, or whom mother
earth doth nourish. After this bill has been read a third time, whosoever
is made, said, or portrayed to be god, I vote he be delivered over to the
bogies, and at the next public show be flogged with a birch amongst the
new gladiators." The next to be asked was Diespiter, son of Vica Pota,
he also being consul elect, and a moneylender; by this trade he made a
living, used to sell rights of citizenship in a small way. Hercules trips
me up to him daintily, and tweaks him by the ear. So he uttered his
opinion in these words: "Inasmuch as the blessed Claudius is akin to

the blessed Augustus, and also to the blessed Augusta, his grandmother,
whom he ordered to be made a goddess, and whereas he far surpasses
all mortal men in wisdom, and seeing that it is for the public good that
there be some one able to join Romulus in devouring boiled turnips, I
propose that from this day forth blessed Claudius be a god, to enjoy
that honour with all its appurtenances in as full a degree as any other
before him, and that a note to that effect be added to Ovid's
Metamorphoses." The meeting was divided, and it looked as though
Claudius was to win the day. For Hercules saw his iron was in the fire,
trotted here and trotted there, saying, "Don't deny me; I make a point of
the matter. I'll do as much for you again, when you like; you roll my
log, and I'll roll yours: one hand washes another."
Then arose the blessed Augustus, when his turn 10 came, and spoke
with much eloquence. [Footnote: The speech seems to contain a parody
of Augustus's style and sayings.] "I call you to witness, my lords and
gentlemen," said he, "that since the day I was made a god I have never
uttered one word. I always mind my own business. But now I can keep
on the mask no longer, nor conceal the sorrow which shame makes all
the greater. Is it for this I have made peace by land and sea? For this
have I calmed intestine wars? For this, laid a firm foundation of law for
Rome, adorned it with buildings, and all that--my lords, words fail me;
there are none can rise to the height of my indignation. I must borrow
that saying of the eloquent Messala Corvinus, I am ashamed of my
authority. [Footnote: M. Valerius Messala Corvinus, appointed
praefectus urbi, resigned within a week.] This man, my lords, who
looks as though he could not hurt a fly, used to chop off heads as easily
as a dog sits down. But why should I speak of all those men, and such
men? There is no time to lament for public disasters, when one has so
many private sorrows to think of. I leave that, therefore, and say only
this; for even if my sister knows no Greek, I do: The knee is nearer than
the shin. [Footnote: A proverb, like "Charity begins at home." The
reading of the passage is uncertain; "sister" is only a conjecture, and it
is hard to see why his sister should be mentioned.] This man you see,
who for so many years has been masquerading under my name, has
done me the favour of murdering two Julias, great-granddaughters of
mine, one by cold steel and one by starvation; and one great grandson,

L. Silanus--see, Jupiter, whether he had a case against him (at least it is
your own if you will be fair.) Come tell me, blessed Claudius, why of
all those you killed, both men and women, without a hearing, why you
did not hear their side of the case first, before putting them to death?
Where do we find that custom? It is not done in heaven.
Look at
Jupiter: all these years he has been 11 king, and never did more than
once to break Vulcan's leg,
'Whom seizing by the foot he cast from the threshold of the sky,'
[Sidenote: Illiad i, 591]
and once he fell in a rage with his wife and strung her up: did he do any
killing? You killed Messalina, whose great-uncle I was no less than
yours. 'I don't know,' did you say? Curse you! that is just it: not to know
was worse than to kill. Caligula he went on persecuting even when he
was dead. Caligula murdered his father-in-law, Claudius his son-in-law
to boot. Caligula would not have Crassus'