Apocolocyntosis | Page 7

had been tried,
(He could do it indeed and not hear either side).
Who'll now sit in judgment the whole year round?
Now he that is judge of the shades underground
Once ruler of fivescore cities in Crete,
Must yield to his better and take a back seat.
Mourn, mourn, pettifoggers, ye venal crew,
And you, minor poets, woe, woe is to you!
And you above all, who get rich quick
By the rattle of dice and the three card trick."

Claudius was charmed to hear his own praises sung, 13
and would have stayed longer to see the show. But the Talthybius
[Footnote: Talthybius was a herald, and _nuntius_ is obviously a gloss on
this. He means Mercury.] of the gods laid a hand on him, and led him across
the Campus Martius, first wrapping his head up close that no one might know
him, until betwixt Tiber and the Subway he went down to the lower regions.
[Footnote: By the Cloaca?] His freedman Narcissus had gone down before him
by a short cut, ready to welcome his master. Out he comes to meet him,
smooth and shining (he had just left the bath), and says he: "What make the
gods among mortals?" "Look alive," says Mercury, "go and tell them we are
coming." Away he flew, quicker than tongue can tell. It is easy going by
that road, all down hill. So although he had a touch of the gout, in a
trice they were come to Dis's door. There lay Cerberus, or, as Horace puts
it, the hundred-headed monster. [Sidenote: Odes ii, 13, 35] Claudius was a
trifle perturbed (it was a little white bitch he used to keep for a pet)
when he spied this black shag-haired hound, not at all the kind of thing
you could wish to meet in the dark. In a loud voice he cried, "Claudius is
coming!" All marched before him singing, "The lost is found, O let us
rejoice together!" [Footnote: With a slight change, a cry used in the
worship of Osiris.] Here were found C. Silius consul elect, Juncus the
ex-praetor, Sextus Traulus, M. Helvius, Trogus, Cotta, Vettius Valens,
Fabius, Roman Knights whom Narcissus had ordered for execution. In the
midst of this chanting company was Mnester the mime, whom Claudius for
honour's sake had made shorter by a head. The news was soon blown about
that Claudius had come: to Messalina they throng: first his freedmen,
Polybius, Myron, Harpocras, Amphaeus, Pheronactus, all sent before him by
Claudius that he might not be unattended anywhere; next two prefects,
Justus Catonius and Rufrius Pollio; then his friends, Saturninus, Lusius
and Pedo Pompeius and Lupus and Celer Asinius, these of consular rank; last
came his brother's daughter, his sister's daughter, sons-in-law, fathers
and mothers-in-law, the whole family in fact. In a body they came to meet
Claudius; and when Claudius saw them, he exclaimed, "Friends everywhere, on
my word! How came you all here?" To this Pedo Pompeius answered, "What,
cruel man? How came we here? Who but you sent us, you, the murderer of all
the friends that ever you had? To court with you! I'll show you where their
lordships sit."

Pedo brings him before the judgement seat of 14
Aeacus, who was holding court under the Lex Cornelia to try cases of murder
and assassination. Pedo requests the judge to take the prisoner's name, and
produces a summons with this charge: Senators killed, 35; Roman Knights,
221; others as the sands of the sea-shore for multitude. [Sidenote: Il. ix,
385] Claudius finds no counsel. At length out steps P. Petronius, an old
chum of his, a finished scholar in the Claudian tongue and claims a remand.
Not granted. Pedo Pompeius prosecutes with loud outcry. The counsel for the
defence tries to reply; but Aeacus, who is the soul of justice, will not
have it. Aeacus hears the case against Claudius, refuses to hear the other
side and passes sentence against him, quoting the line:

"As he did, so be he done by, this is justice undefiled."
[Footnote: A proverbial line.]

A great silence fell. Not a soul but was stupefied at this new way of
managing matters; they had never known anything like it before. It was no
new thing to Claudius, yet he thought it unfair. There was a long
discussion as to the punishment he ought to endure. Some said that Sisyphus
had done his job of porterage long enough; Tantalus would be dying of
thirst, if he were not relieved; the drag must be put at last on wretched
Ixion's wheel. But it was determined not to let off any of the old stagers,
lest Claudius should dare to hope for any such relief. It was