Ades Fables | Page 2

Stripling. His eyes were like Saucers, and his
Nostrils quivered. "I will be Commander-in-Chief, and after I am laid
away, with the Cannon booming, the Folks in this very Town will put
up a Statue of Me at the corner of Sixth and Main, so the Street- Cars
will have to circle to get around it."
Consequently, when he was in his 21st Year, he was sitting at a high
Desk in an Office watching the Birds on a Telegraph Wire. The
Knowledge he had acquired at the two Prep Schools before being
pushed into the Fresh Air ahead of Time had not made him
round-shouldered.
He was a likely Chap, but he wore no Plumes.
He became dimly conscious that Ambition was squatted on the Stool
next to him.
"Up to this time we have been Dead Wrong," said the Periodical Visitor.
"There is only one Prize worth winning and that is the Love of the
Niftiest Nectarine that ever came down a Crystal Stairway from the
Celestial Regions to grace this dreary World with her Holy Presence.
Yes, I mean the One you passed this morning--the One with her hair in
a Net and the Cameo Brooch. Why not annex her by Legal Routine and
settle down in a neat Cottage purchased from the Building and Loan
Association? You could raise your own Vegetables. Go to it."
Four years elapse. Our Hero now has everything. The jerry-built home
of the Early Bungalow Period stands up bravely under the Mortgage.
Little Dorothy is suspended in a Jump Chair on the Veranda facing
Myrtle Avenue, along which the Green Cars run direct to City Hall
Square. The Goddess is in the kitchen trying to make preserves out of
Watermelon Rinds, with the White House Cook Book propped open in
front of her. Friend Husband is weeding the Azaleas and grieving over
the failure of the Egg-Plant.
He finds himself gently prodded, and there is Ambition once more at

his Elbow.
"You are entitled to One Hundred Thousand Dollars," murmurs the
stealthy Promoter. "Why should some other Citizen have his Coal-Bin
right in his House while you carry it from a Shed? Your Wife should sit
at her own Dinner Table and make signs at the Maid. And as you ride
to your Work with the other dead-eyed Cattle and see all those
Strong-Arm Johnnies coming out of their Brick Mansions to hop into
their own Broughams and Coupes, have you not asked yourself why
you are in the Horse-Cars with the Plebes when you might be in a
Private Rig with the Patricians?"
For, wot ye, Gentle Reader, all this unwound from the Reel before the
first Trolley Car climbed a Hill or the first Horseless Carriage came
chugging sternly up the Boulevard.
So Ambition received special Instructions to make Our Hero worth
$100,000.
Those were the day of tall Hustling: If he saw an Opening six inches
wide, he held it with his Foot until he could insert his Elbow, and then
he braced his Shoulder, and the first thing you knew he was on the
Inside demanding a fair cut of the Swag.
The Golden Rule received many a Jolt, but he adhered strictly to the
old and favorite Admonition: If you want Yours, take a short piece of
Lead Pipe and go out and Collect.
On a certain January First he made a careful Invoice. All the Hard-
Earned Kale dropped into the Mining Companies or loaned to Relatives
of Wife he marked off and put under the Head of Gone but not
Forgotten. He was a True Business Guy. Even after subtracting all Cats
and Dogs he could still total the magnificent Sum of One Hundred
Thousand Dollars.
When he looked at this Mound of Currency, he felt like a Vag and a
Pauper. For he had climbed to the table-lands of High Finance and
taken a peek at the Steam-Roller methods of the Real Tabascos.

"Make it a Million," said Ambition, leaning across the Table and
tapping nervously. "Are you going to be satisfied with a Station Wagon
and a Colored Boy when you might have a long-waisted Vehicle with
two pale Simpsons in Livery on the Box? When you go into your Club
and see the Menials kow-towing to a cold-looking Party with rippling
Chins who seems to favor his Feet, you know that he gets the Waving
Palms and the Frankincense because he is a Millionaire. You and the
other financial Gnats are admitted simply to make a Stage Setting for
the Big Squash."
"I always said that when I got a Hundred Thousand I'd take a long
Vacation in Europe and learn how to order a Meal," suggested Our
Hero, holding out weakly.
"When you came back you would find your hated Rival on