Adela Cathcart, vol 1 | Page 7

don't believe in their medicines. Certainly
they don't do her any good."
"Is her chest affected--does he say?"
"He says not; but I believe he knows no more about the state of her
chest than he does about the other side of the moon. He's a stupid old
fool. He comes here for his fees, and he has them."
"Why don't you call in another, if you are not satisfied?"
"Why, my dear fellow, they're all the same in this infernal old place. I
believe they've all embalmed themselves, and are going by clockwork.
They and the clergy make sad fools of us. But we make worse fools of
ourselves to have them about us. To be sure, they see that everything is
proper. The doctor makes sure that we are dead before we are buried,
and the parson that we are buried after we are dead. About the
resurrection I suspect he knows as much as we do. He goes by book."
In his perplexity and sorrow, the poor colonel was irritable and unjust. I
saw that it would be better to suggest than to reason. And I partly took
the homoeopathic system--the only one on which mental distress, at
least, can be treated with any advantage.
"Certainly," I said, "the medical profession has plenty of men in it who
live on humanity, like the very diseases they attempt to cure. And
plenty of the clergy find the Church a tolerably profitable investment.
The reading of the absolution is as productive to them now, as it was to
the pardon-sellers of old. But surely, colonel, you won't huddle them all

up together in one shapeless mass of condemnation?"
"You always were right, Smith, and I'm a fool, as usual.--Percy, my
boy, what's going on at Somerset House?"
"The river, uncle."
"Nothing else?"
"Well--I don't know. Nothing much. It's horribly slow!"
"I'm afraid you won't find this much better. But you must take care of
yourself."
"I've made that a branch of special study, uncle. I flatter myself I can
do that."
Colonel Cathcart laughed. Percy was the son of his only brother, who
had died young, and he had an especial affection for him. And where
the honest old man loved, he could see no harm; for he reasoned
something in this way: "He must be all right, or how could I like him as
I do?" But Percy was a common-place, selfish fellow--of that I was
convinced--whatever his other qualities, good or bad, might be; and I
sincerely hoped that any designs he might have of marrying his cousin,
might prove as vain as his late infantile passion for the moon. For I beg
to assure my readers that the circumstances in which I have introduced
Adela Cathcart, are no more fair to her real character, than my lady
readers would consider the effect of a lamp-shade of bottle-green true
in its presentation of their complexion.
We did not sit long over our wine. When we went up to the
drawing-room, Adela was not there, nor did she make her appearance
again that evening. For a little while we tried to talk; but, after many
failures, I yielded and withdrew on the score of fatigue; no doubt
relieving the mind of my old friend by doing so, for he had severe ideas
of the duty of a host as well as of a soldier, and to these ideas he found
it at present impossible to elevate the tone of his behaviour.

When I reached my own room, I threw myself into the easiest of
arm-chairs, and began to reflect.
"John Smith," I said, "this is likely to be as uncomfortable a
Christmas-tide, as you, with your all but ubiquity, have ever had the
opportunity of passing. Nevertheless, please to remember a resolution
you came to once upon a time, that, as you were nobody, so you would
be nobody; and see if you can make yourself useful.--What can be the
matter with Adela?"
I sat and reflected for a long time; for during my life I had had many
opportunities of observation, and amongst other cases that had
interested me, I had seen some not unlike the present. The fact was that,
as everybody counted me nobody, I had taken full advantage of my
conceded nonentity, which, like Jack the Giant-killer's coat of darkness,
enabled me to learn much that would otherwise have escaped me. My
reflections on my observations, however, did not lead me to any further
or more practical conclusion just yet, than that other and better advice
ought to be called in.
Having administered this sedative sop to my restless practicalness, I
went to bed and to sleep.
Chapter II.
Church.
Adela did not make her appearance at the breakfast-table next morning,
although it was the morning