A Tale of a Tub | Page 2

meaning. But it unluckily fell out that none of the
Authors I employ understood Latin (though I have them often in pay to translate out of
that language). I was therefore compelled to have recourse to the Curate of our Parish,
who Englished it thus, Let it be given to the worthiest; and his comment was that the
Author meant his work should be dedicated to the sublimest genius of the age for wit,
learning, judgment, eloquence, and wisdom. I called at a poet's chamber (who works for
my shop) in an alley hard by, showed him the translation, and desired his opinion who it
was that the Author could mean. He told me, after some consideration, that vanity was a
thing he abhorred, but by the description he thought himself to be the person aimed at;
and at the same time he very kindly offered his own assistance gratis towards penning a
dedication to himself. I desired him, however, to give a second guess. Why then, said he,
it must be I, or my Lord Somers. From thence I went to several other wits of my
acquaintance, with no small hazard and weariness to my person, from a prodigious
number of dark winding stairs; but found them all in the same story, both of your
Lordship and themselves. Now your Lordship is to understand that this proceeding was
not of my own invention; for I have somewhere heard it is a maxim that those to whom
everybody allows the second place have an undoubted title to the first.
This infallibly convinced me that your Lordship was the person intended by the Author.
But being very unacquainted in the style and form of dedications, I employed those wits
aforesaid to furnish me with hints and materials towards a panegyric upon your
Lordship's virtues.
In two days they brought me ten sheets of paper filled up on every side. They swore to
me that they had ransacked whatever could be found in the characters of Socrates,
Aristides, Epaminondas, Cato, Tully, Atticus, and other hard names which I cannot now
recollect. However, I have reason to believe they imposed upon my ignorance, because
when I came to read over their collections, there was not a syllable there but what I and
everybody else knew as well as themselves: therefore I grievously suspect a cheat; and
that these Authors of mine stole and transcribed every word from the universal report of
mankind. So that I took upon myself as fifty shillings out of pocket to no manner of
purpose.
If by altering the title I could make the same materials serve for another dedication (as

my betters have done), it would help to make up my loss; but I have made several persons
dip here and there in those papers, and before they read three lines they have all assured
me plainly that they cannot possibly be applied to any person besides your Lordship.
I expected, indeed, to have heard of your Lordship's bravery at the head of an army; of
your undaunted courage in mounting a breach or scaling a wall; or to have had your
pedigree traced in a lineal descent from the House of Austria; or of your wonderful talent
at dress and dancing; or your profound knowledge in algebra, metaphysics, and the
Oriental tongues: but to ply the world with an old beaten story of your wit, and eloquence,
and learning, and wisdom, and justice, and politeness, and candour, and evenness of
temper in all scenes of life; of that great discernment in discovering and readiness in
favouring deserving men; with forty other common topics; I confess I have neither
conscience nor countenance to do it. Because there is no virtue either of a public or
private life which some circumstances of your own have not often produced upon the
stage of the world; and those few which for want of occasions to exert them might
otherwise have passed unseen or unobserved by your friends, your enemies have at length
brought to light.
It is true I should be very loth the bright example of your Lordship's virtues should be lost
to after-ages, both for their sake and your own; but chiefly because they will be so very
necessary to adorn the history of a late reign; and that is another reason why I would
forbear to make a recital of them here; because I have been told by wise men that as
dedications have run for some years past, a good historian will not be apt to have
recourse thither in search of characters.
There is one point wherein I think we dedicators would do well to change our measures; I
mean, instead of running on so far upon the praise of our patron's liberality, to spend a
word