A Rogues Life | Page 7

his most august patrons, and to fill the pockets of his
son with professional fees, never once dreamed of in his philosophy.
For more than a year I managed, unsuspected, to keep the Privy Purse
fairly supplied by the exercise of my caricaturing abilities. But the day
of detection was to come.
Whether my medical friend's admiration of my satirical sketches led
him into talking about them in public with too little reserve; or whether
the servants at home found private means of watching me in my
moments of Art-study, I know not: but that some one betrayed me, and
that the discovery of my illicit manufacture of caricatures was actually
communicated even to the grandmotherly head and fount of the family

honor, is a most certain and lamentable matter of fact. One morning my
father received a letter from Lady Malkinshaw herself, informing him,
in a handwriting crooked with poignant grief, and blotted at every third
word by the violence of virtuous indignation, that "Thersites Junior"
was his own son, and that, in one of the last of the "ribald's" caricatures
her own venerable features were unmistakably represented as
belonging to the body of a large owl!
Of course, I laid my hand on my heart and indignantly denied
everything. Useless. My original model for the owl had got proofs of
my guilt that were not to be resisted.
The doctor, ordinarily the most mellifluous and self-possessed of men,
flew into a violent, roaring, cursing passion, on this occasion--declared
that I was imperiling the honor and standing of the family--insisted on
my never drawing another caricature, either for public or private
purposes, as long as I lived; and ordered me to go forthwith and ask
pardon of Lady Malkinshaw in the humblest terms that it was possible
to select. I answered dutifully that I was quite ready to obey, on the
condition that he should reimburse me by a trebled allowance for what
I should lose by giving up the Art of Caricature, or that Lady
Malkinshaw should confer on me the appointment of
physician-in-waiting on her, with a handsome salary attached. These
extremely moderate stipulations so increased my father's anger, that he
asserted, with an unmentionably vulgar oath, his resolution to turn me
out of doors if I did not do as he bid me, without daring to hint at any
conditions whatsoever. I bowed, and said that I would save him the
exertion of turning me out of doors, by going of my own accord. He
shook his fist at me; after which it obviously became my duty, as a
member of a gentlemanly and peaceful profession, to leave the room.
The same evening I left the house, and I have never once given the
clumsy and expensive footman the trouble of answering the door to me
since that time.
I have reason to believe that my exodus from home was, on the whole,
favorably viewed by my mother, as tending to remove any possibility
of my bad character and conduct interfering with my sister's

advancement in life.
By dint of angling with great dexterity and patience, under the direction
of both her parents, my handsome sister Annabella had succeeded in
catching an eligible husband, in the shape of a wizen, miserly,
mahogany-colored man, turned fifty, who had made a fortune in the
West Indies. His name was Batterbury; he had been dried up under a
tropical sun, so as to look as if he would keep for ages; he had two
subjects of conversation, the yellow-fever and the advantage of walking
exercise: and he was barbarian enough to take a violent dislike to me.
He had proved a very delicate fish to hook; and, even when Annabella
had caught him, my father and mother had great difficulty in landing
him--principally, they were good enough to say, in consequence of my
presence on the scene. Hence the decided advantage of my removal
from home. It is a very pleasant reflection to me, now, to remember
how disinterestedly I studied the good of my family in those early days.
Abandoned entirely to my own resources, I naturally returned to the
business of caricaturing with renewed ardor.
About this time Thersites Junior really began to make something like a
reputation, and to walk abroad habitually with a bank-note comfortably
lodged among the other papers in his pocketbook. For a year I lived a
gay and glorious life in some of the freest society in London; at the end
of that time, my tradesmen, without any provocation on my part, sent in
their bills. I found myself in the very absurd position of having no
money to pay them, and told them all so with the frankness which is
one of the best sides of my character. They received my advances
toward