A Parody Outline of History | Page 3

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DONALD OGDEN STEWART
A PARODY OUTLINE OF HISTORY

Wherein may be found a curiously irreverent treatment of AMERICAN
HISTORICAL EVENTS Imagining them as they would be narrated by
American's most characteristic contemporary authors

To GILBERT HOLLAND STEWART, Jr.

Preface
Mr. H. G. Wells, in his "Outline of History," was of necessity forced to
omit the narration of many of the chief events in the history of these
United States. Such omissions I have in this brief volume endeavored
to supply. And as American history can possibly best be written by
Americans and as we have among us no H. G. Wells, I have imagined
an American history as written conjointly by a group of our most
characteristic literary figures.
Apologies are due the various authors whose style and, more
particularly, whose Weltanschauung I have here attempted to reproduce;
thanks are due The Bookman for permission to reprint such of these
chapters as appeared in that publication. I give both freely. D. O. S.

Contents
I INTRODUCTION: A Critical Survey of American History In the
Manner of William Lyon Phelps
II CRISTOFER COLOMBO: A Comedy of Discovery In the Manner
of James Branch Cabell
III MAIN STREET: Plymouth, Mass In the Manner of Sinclair Lewis
IV THE COURTSHIP OF, MILES STANDISH In the Manner of F.
Scott Fitzgerald

V THE SPIRIT OF '75: Letters of a Minute Man In the Manner of Ring
Lardner
VI THE WHISKY REBELLION In the Bedtime Story Manner of
Thornton W. Burgess
VII HOW LOVE CAME TO GENERAL GRANT In the Manner of
Harold Bell Wright
VIII CUSTER'S LAST STAND In the Manner of Edith Wharton
IX FOR THE FREEDOM OF THE WORLD: A Drama of the Great
War Act I--In the Manner of Mary Raymond Shipman Andrews Act 2--
In the Manner of Eugene O'Neill

CHAPTER ONE
INTRODUCTION
A CRITICAL SURVEY OF AMERICAN HISTORY
In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps
On a memorable evening in the year 1904 I witnessed the opening
performance of Maude Adams in "Peter Pan". Nothing in the world can
describe the tremendous enthusiasm of that night! I shall never forget
the moment when Peter came to the front of the stage and asked the
audience if we believed in fairies. I am happy to say that I was actually
the first to respond. Leaping at once out of my seat, I shouted
"Yes--Yes!" To my intense pleasure the whole house almost instantly
followed my example, with the exception of one man. This man was
sitting directly in front of me. His lack of enthusiasm was to me
incredible. I pounded him on the back and shouted, "Great God, man,
are you alive! Wake up! Hurrah for the fairies! Hurrah!" Finally he
uttered a rather feeble "Hurrah!" Childe Roland to the dark tower came.

That was my first meeting with that admirable statesman Woodrow
Wilson, and I am happy to state that from that night we became firm
friends. When Mr. Wilson was inaugurated in 1913 I called on him at
the White House, taking with me some members of my Yale drama
class. Each one of us had an edition of the president's admirable
"History of the American People", and I am glad to say that he was
kind enough to autograph each of the ten volumes for all of us.
Early in Mr. Wilson's second term as president, just before the break
with Germany, I was sitting in the quiet of my library rereading
Browning's "Cristina". When I came to the third stanza I leaped to my
feet-- the thing seemed incredible, but here before my eyes