A Parody Outline of History | Page 6

as much gold there as you describe?"
"Ah, King Ferdinand", replied Colombo, "there is more gold than ever I can tell, and I see only too plainly how grievously you suffer to think that perhaps these people are living in ignorance of the true faith. And I could ask nothing better than that King Ferdinand give me ships in which I may sail to the westward and come at last to the land of my imagining. This I would do in order that the blessed soldiers of King Ferdinand who will follow me may show to the inhabitants of my discovered land the grievous errors of their ways and bring them at last to a realization of the true faith which has been so helpful to our own dear Spain, and", added Colombo, "our gracious sovereign Ferdinand."
And droll it was to Colombo to think what might possibly happen were King Ferdinand to take his dream seriously or were the King perhaps to be informed as to the true meaning of Colombo's subtleties.
"Well, now", said King Ferdinand, "of course, to fit out such an expedition would require great expense, my dear Colombo--great expense. And, of course, you know, Colombo, that when investors can buy Inquisition 4 1/4's for 89 it would be extremely difficult to raise the money for such a speculative project--oh, extremely difficult. And then you must consider the present depression--tell me now, Colombo", said King Ferdinand, "how long do you think this depression will last, for I seek, above all things, a return to healthy normalcy."
"Well, truly", replied Colombo, "that would be most difficult to say. I note that on Rodigruez Babsyn's last chart--"
"I wish this Babsyn and his charts were in hell", said King Ferdinand, "for it was he who advised me to sell Queen Isabel's silver holdings. But it occurs to me, Colombo, that in connection with this land-of-gold scheme of yours, you mentioned something about sailing to the westward. Now Colombo, that would be a distinct disadvantage when it came to marketing the bonds, for as you must already know, one cannot sail to the west without encountering fierce and enormous monsters who swallow, I am told, whole ships at a gulp."
"Now as to that", said Colombo, somewhat embarrassed at the turn of the conversation for WEST had merely happened to better suit the rhymes of his poem, "you may be right, and I should not go so far as to say you are wrong, but still at the same time", said Colombo, "is there any gentleman in the audience who can lend me an egg and a silk hat?"
And when an unmentionable egg and a doubtful silk hat had been produced in a manner which it is not convenient to mention Colombo rolled up both his sleeves and spoke the magic speech as he had learned it on a certain Thursday from the sorcerer Thyrston.
"Ladies and gentlemen", said Colombo, "I have here a common household egg which I shall now ask the ushers to pass among you so you may see for yourself that there are no wires or strings attached. While this is being done, ladies and gentlemen, I wish that three of you would step up on the stage. Any three--don't be bashful girls-- I won't hurt you. Won't that couple over there kindly oblige me-- that married couple--no, folks, I guess they aren't married either-- they look too happy."
Very painful it was to Colombo to hear these horrible jokes coming from his mouth, but Thyrston had quoted the authority of all successful sorcerers and not for anything would Colombo have had his trick a failure.
"Now ladies and gentlemen", said Colombo, "I am going to ask this lady and these two gentlemen if they will be so good as to see if they can take this little egg and make it stand on end without any support."
And very droll it was to see the unsuccessful attempts which the three made. Finally Colombo said:
"Now ladies and gentlemen, I want you to watch me closely. I put the silk hat on my head--thus. And I take the egg in my right hand--thus. Now, if this young lady will be kind enough to hold my left hand--I hope that her best fellow doesn't mind letting such a pretty girl hold my hand--it's lucky my wife can't see me, though--a friend said to me the other day, 'Who was that lady I seen you with?' and I said, 'That wasn't no lady, that was my wife'. Now ladies and gentlemen I take this egg, and in order to make it stand upright I tap one end gently-- thus against the table until that end is flattened-- and then, presto--the egg stands upright. Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you one and all for your kind attention."
Thus it was