A Minniature ov Inglish Orthoggraphy | Page 8

ov INGLISH ORTHOGGRAPHY, braught widhin dhe compas ov a few pages, on dhe unfailing principel, hwich aught to' govvern evvery plan ov litterary improovment: first, to' make no chainge dhat can rascionally be avoided; and dhen to' make precisely evvery variacion, from vulgar practice, dhat can be demonstrated indispensabel. Nor iz dhis aught else dhan a completed minniature ov INGLISH PROPRIETY _ascertained in her picture_: two quarto-vollumes graciously received by hiz prezzent Brittish Madjesty, from dhe same umbel hands; at St. Jameses, in 1786.
DHE END.
* * * * *
THE ORTHOGRAPHIC RIDDLE.
PREFACE.
These emanations of the British Muse, Where English thoughts could English dress refuse, Were once presented to another press, Though thence borne back, as hopeless of success. What honest critic e'er could credit eligible, Riddles to his researches unintelligible? When ready caution guards the lit'rate realm, Never shall foreign floods these isles o'erwhelm: Orthography the mother-tongue shall give, Ever, as every where, with Truth to live; Truth, Reason, Beauty shall o'erspread the nation; Shall solve the RIDDLE, with one contemplation.
The public monitor of truth, Sworn enemy to what's uncouth, With blockheads similarly spells, (Orthography with pleasure tells) That thus the force of ridicule Should laugh the learned back to school. What then should cause that laughter strange? What should occasion gen'ral change?
Orthography the answer gives, To satisfy whoever lives. The honest will confess the pity, Court, country, citadel with city; That ancients, with the giddy young, Should study still the Latin tongue; Should leave to levity, to dolour, The unproficient English scholar; Should give the very stranger dread, Of gibberish, that ne'er was read; That ne'er was heard, without derision, Eschewing ocular revision.
This one example well will prove, Will lib'ral laughter doubtless move: When Pedantry shall cease to swell, Honour'd Humility will spell. The beauty then, of British truth, Resistless shall enamour youth; Shall evidence th' asseveration, Throughout th' etymologic nation; That one poetic exhibition Could, without lit'ral intuition, Fill ev'ry literary article, Though never spell one single particle: Could faithfully the whole present, Without[5] once shad'wing what were meant.
* * * * *
DHE SOLUCION OV DHE ORTHOGRAPPHIC RIDDEL.
PREFFACE.
Dheze emmanacions ov dhe Brittish Muze, Hware Inglish thaughts cood Inglish dres refuze, Wer wonce prezented to' anoddher pres, Dho dhence bor'n bac az hopeles ov succes. Hwat onnest crittic ehr cood creddit elligibel, Riddels to' hiz reserches unintelligibel? Hwen steddy caucion gards dhe litt'rate relm, Nevver shal forrain fluds dheze iles o'rhwelm: Orthoggraphy dhe moddher-tung shal guiv, Evver, az evv'rihware, widh Truith to' liv; Truith, Rezon, Buty shal o'rspred dhe nacion; Shal solv dhe RIDDEL, widh won contemplacion.
Dhe pubblic monnitor ov truith, Swor'n ennemy to' hwat'z uncooth, Widh blockheds simmilarly spels, (Orthoggraphy widh plezzure tels) Dhat dhus dhe foarce ov riddicule Shood laf dhe lerned bac to' scool. Hwat dhen shood cauz dhat lafter strainge? Hwat shood occazion genn'ral chainge?
Orthoggraphy dhe anser guivs, To' sattisfy hooevver livs. Dhe onnest wil confes dhe pitty, Coart, contry, cittadel widh citty; Dhat aincients, widh dhe guiddy yong, Shood studdy stil dhe Lattin tung; Shood leve to' levvity, to' dollor, Dhe unprofiscient Inglish scollar; Shood guiv dhe verry strainger dred, Ov guibberish, dhat nehr waz red; Dhat nehr waz herd widhout derizzion, Eskewing occular revizzion.
Dhis won exampel wel wil proov, Wil libb'ral lafter doutles moov: Hwen Peddantry shal cese to' swel, Onnor'd Humillity wil spel. Dhe buty dhen, ov Brittish truith, Rezistles shal enammor yooth; Shal evvidence dh' assevveracion, Thro'out dh' etymmolodgic nacion; Dhat won poettic exhibiscion Cood, widhout litt'ral intuiscion, Fil evv'ry litterary artikel, Dho nevver spel won singuel partikel: Cood faithfoolly dhe hoal prezent, Widhout[6] wonce shadd'wing hwat wer ment.
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NOTES
[1] If not vulgarized from batteller.
[2] Ov mow dhe vowel and servile coalesce, (az in sow,) into' a dipthong, in dhe compound noun _barley-mow_.
[3] From dhe old barbarous French _isle_[4], faulte, voulte, recepte, debte, _doubte_; parfaict, _vraidict_: now duly _?le_, faute, voute, recette, dette, doute, parfait, and vraidit from _verè dictum_.
[4] Inglish propriety, and indeed common-sense, must also protest against two' late _misnomers: Th'isleworth_ for _Thistelworth_; and dhe forrain affectacion ov _St. Mary la bonne_ (or even _borne_) for Marribone.
[5] Without one particle, representing what is read.
[6] Widhout won partikel, repprezenting hwat iz red.

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