A Mind That Found Itself | Page 9

olden Spanish inquisitor. But, if the palm is to be awarded to any, June
26th, 1900, perhaps has the first claim.
My state of mind at that time might be pictured thus: The criminal charge of attempted
suicide stood against me on June 23rd. By the 26th many other and worse charges had
accumulated. The public believed me the most despicable member of my race. The

papers were filled with accounts of my misdeeds. The thousands of collegians gathered in
the city, many of whom I knew personally, loathed the very thought that a Yale man
should so disgrace his Alma Mater. And when they approached the hospital on their way
to the Athletic Field, I concluded that it was their intention to take me from my bed, drag
me to the lawn, and there tear me limb from limb. Few incidents during my unhappiest
years are more vividly or circumstantially impressed upon my memory. The fear, to be
sure, was absurd, but in the lurid lexicon of Unreason there is no such word as "absurd."
Believing, as I did, that I had dishonored Yale and forfeited the privilege of being
numbered among her sons, it was not surprising that the college cheers which filled the
air that afternoon, and in which only a few days earlier I had hoped to join, struck terror
to my heart.

IV
NATURALLY I was suspicious of all about me, and became more so each day. But not
until about a month later did I refuse to recognize my relatives. While I was at Grace
Hospital, my father and eldest brother called almost every day to see me, and, though I
said little, I still accepted them in their proper characters. I remember well a conversation
one morning with my father. The words I uttered were few, but full of meaning. Shortly
before this time my death had been momentarily expected. I still believed that I was
surely about to die as a result of my injuries, and I wished in some way to let my father
know that, despite my apparently ignominious end, I appreciated all that he had done for
me during my life. Few men, I believe, ever had a more painful time in expressing their
feelings than I had on that occasion. I had but little control over my mind, and my power
of speech was impaired. My father sat beside my bed. Looking up at him, I said, "You
have been a good father to me."
"I have always tried to be," was his characteristic reply.
After the broken bones had been set, and the full effects of the severe shock I had
sustained had worn off, I began to gain strength. About the third week I was able to sit up
and was occasionally taken out of doors But each day, and especially during the hours of
the night, my delusions increased in force and variety. The world was fast becoming to
me a stage on which every human being within the range of my senses seemed to be
playing a part, and that a part which would lead not only to my destruction (for which I
cared little), but also to the ruin of all with whom I had ever come in contact. In the
month of July several thunder-storms occurred. To me the thunder was "stage" thunder,
the lightning man-made, and the accompanying rain due to some clever contrivance of
my persecutors. There was a chapel connected with the hospital--or at least a room where
religious services were held every Sunday. To me the hymns were funeral dirges; and the
mumbled prayers, faintly audible, were in behalf of every sufferer in the world but one.
It was my eldest brother who looked after my care and interests during my entire illness.
Toward the end of July, he informed me that I was to be taken home again. I must have
given him an incredulous look, for he said, "Don't you think we can take you home? Well,
we can and will." Believing myself in the hands of the police, I did not see how that was

possible. Nor did I have any desire to return. That a man who had disgraced his family
should again enter his old home and expect his relatives to treat him as though nothing
were changed, was a thought against which my soul rebelled; and, when the day came for
my return, I fought my brother and the doctor feebly as they lifted me from the bed. But I
soon submitted, was placed in a carriage, and driven to the house I had left a month
earlier.
For a few hours my mind was calmer than it had been. But my new-found ease was soon
dispelled by the appearance of a nurse--one