A Lecture On Heads | Page 8

not deceive him. "I can see if other people can't; I can see, if the ministry take the lead, they won't be behind hand." This man found out the only scheme that ever could be invented for paying off the national debt; the scheme that he found out, he discovered to the ministry as follows:
"Now, my lord duke, I have a scheme to pay off our nation's debt without burthening the subject with a fresh tax; my scheme is as follows: I would have all the Thames water bottled up, and sold for Spa water. Who'll buy it, you'll say? Why the waterman's company must buy it, or they never could work their boats any more: there's a {29}scheme to pay off the nation's debt, without burthening the subject with a fresh tax." [ Takes the head off.]
Here is a companion for that connoisseur; this is one of your worldly-wise men, wise in his own conceit; he laughed at all modes of faith, and would have a reason given him for every thing. He disinherited his only son because the lad could not give him a reason why a black hen laid a white egg. He was a great materialist, and thus he proved the infinity of matter. He told them, that all round things were globular, all square things flat-sided. Now, Sir, if the bottom is equal to the top, and the top equal to the bottom, and the {30}bottom and the top are equal to the four sides, ergo, all matter is as broad as it is long. But he had not in his head matter sufficient to prove matter efficient; being thus deficient, he knew nothing of the matter. [ Takes off the head.]
We shall now exhibit a Freeholder's Head in a very particular state--in a state of intoxication. [Shews the head.]
These pieces of money are placed like doors over the senses, to open and shut just as the distributor of the medicine pleases. And here is an election picture [shews it]: all hands are catching at this; 'tis an interpretation of that famous sentiment, "May we have in our arms those we love in our hearts." Now the day of election is {31}madman's holiday, 'tis the golden day of liberty, which every voter, on that day, takes to market, and is his own salesman: for man at that time being considered as a mere machine, is acted upon as machines are, and, to make his wheels move properly, he is properly greased in the fist. [ Gives off the picture. ] Every freeholder enjoys his portion of septennial insanity: he'll eat and drink with every body without paying for it, because he's bold and free; then he'll knock down every body who won't say as he says, to prove his abhorrence of arbitrary power, and preserve the liberty of Old England for ever, huzza! [Gives off the head.]
The first contested election happened between the three goddesses upon Mount Ida, whose names were, Juno, Minerva, and Venus, when Paris was the returning officer, who decreed in favour of Venus, by presenting her with the golden apple. [ Takes up the money.] Juno, on her approaching Paris, told him, that though it was beneath her dignity to converse with a mortal, yet, if he would be her friend, she would make him a nabob. Minerva told him how that learning was better than house and land, and if he would be her friend, she would teach him propria qu? maribus. But Venus, who thought it would be wasting time to make {32}use of words, gave him such a look as put her in possession of the golden apple. The queen of beauty, out of gratitude to Paris, who had so well managed the election for her, made him a present of several slices of that golden pippin, and, in commemoration of that event, such slices have been made use of as presents at all other general elections; they have a sympathy like that which happens to electrical wires, let a hundred hold them in their hands, their sensations will be the same; but they differ from electricity in one essential point, which is, that though the touch be ever so great, it never shocks people.
It is a general remark, that novelty is the master-passion of the English; nothing goes down without it, and nothing so gross, that it will not make palatable; the art therefore of insuring success in this town to every adventurer, is, to hit upon something new, as the phrase is; no matter what it is, it will prove equally attracting, whether it be a woman riding upon her head at Westminster-Bridge, or one without any head at all, debating upon politics and religion at Westminster Forum: but here, let not my fair countrywomen condemn