A Christmas Story | Page 2

segar!'
'Well now that is selfish, William!'
'Not at all my dear sister, what lady would tolerate the slightest interference with her housekeeping? How long would you permit me to stay here, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of advice.'
'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have confided to your segar.'
'Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house. No. one is to keep your servants; No. two is to be kept by them. Herein is the key note of much trouble. Another difficulty is fear. I have been perfectly amazed to listen to ladies when asking a waiter to do something for them. Just think of it. I heard Mrs. ----, at table the other day, turn round and look towards a red headed, uplifted girl, with a conciliatory smile and say, 'Betty, would you mind giving me a glass of water?'
'Zounds madam, I wanted to scream!--and only last night, while paying a visit I heard a lady who rules her elegant husband to within an inch of his life, say to the waiter, 'John, please put on your things and muffle up well, for it is very cold and do take this note to Mrs. Henry's' and, almost with the same breath, she turned on her husband and said, 'Albert, go down and get that medicine at once for you know I cannot retire till I take it--you can see your friend any time,' looking at me in a hard manner and then at the clock. 'Now what do you call that? That woman has courage to meet her equals and put all things straight; but a menial crushes her.'
'Well, of course you don't understand those things, William, but I do.'
'I suppose so, but I don't want to. It is all wrong--all humbug, all TRASH!' I exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar over my clean shirt.
'What would you have us do?' exclaimed Mary, a little nettled at my last remark.
'Do?' I replied, with emphasis; 'let the men keep house. Watch them, and learn the true method, which has for its motto,
"Maximum of work, Minimum of trouble."'
By this time I began to feel anxious.--My sister had gone off into a fit of laughter that at first greatly roused my ire, but ultimately awakened anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for a servant; of course none came, for she always had to call them. 'They were having such a good time down stairs, they could not hear the bell,' so I poured out a glass of water, and, while she drank, seized the poker; stirred up the dying embers; put on a good back log; lit a large and strong Cabana to lend zest to my courage, and prepared to make one more effort for victory.
Gradually subsiding into a few occasional chromatic giggles, Mary looked through her beautiful eyes, glistening with tears of fun, and said, in a smothered whisper,
'Well, and what would you do?'
'Do?' I repeated. 'Let me have the reins for one month, and I will show you.'
There! it was out, and I felt relieved.
'But, William,' she whispered, pointing with anxiety to the door which stood ajar, 'how long do you suppose they would stay with you?'
'Until they got married or died!' I answered with confidence, and, sitting bolt upright, I ran both thumbs under my waistcoat arm-holes and played on my chest with my fingers, while I puffed tremendously to envelope my countenance with smoke, the better to hide my ill-concealed smile.
'You single men are too amusing, my dear brother,' said she, looking earnestly into my face and patting my shoulder with an expression of pity. 'To convince you that woman's mission is the care of domestic matters; and, as I would like a little rest combined with fun, I will turn over everything to you, and----'
'Done!' I yelled with delight, and jumping up, I paced up and down the library like a prisoner freed from chains.--'Done! Oh! I thank you, Mary.'
'Stop, young man,' she said, with assumed severity, 'hear the conditions of the bond.'
'Write it down,' I said, in haste, 'and so long as I am to have the reins I will sign.'
'Well, sir,' said she, entering with her old accustomed gaiety into the subject matter. 'I agree to let you keep house on the following conditions:' naming a good many, which I listened to with marked interest, and finally condensed into the form of a written contract, though no lawyer; for fear, as I told her, she would violate the premises. As well as I can remember, for it was many years ago--it ran as follows:
'This agreement made this 24th November, 1853, between Mary Walters of the city, county and state of New York, being party