A Burlesque Autobiography | Page 2

of "Land ho!" thrilled every heart in the ship but
his. He gazed a while through a piece of smoked glass at the penciled
line lying on the distant water, and then said: "Land be hanged,--it's a
raft!"
When this questionable passenger came on board the ship, he brought
nothing with him but an old newspaper containing a handkerchief
marked "B. G.," one cotton sock marked "L. W. C." one woollen one
marked "D. F." and a night-shirt marked "O. M. R." And yet during the
voyage he worried more about his "trunk," and gave himself more airs
about it, than all the rest of the passengers put together.
If the ship was "down by the head," and would got steer, he would go
and move his "trunk" farther aft, and then watch the effect. If the ship
was "by the stern," he would suggest to Columbus to detail some men
to "shift that baggage." In storms he had to be gagged, because his
wailings about his "trunk" made it impossible for the men to hear the
orders. The man does not appear to have been openly charged with any
gravely unbecoming thing, but it is noted in the ship's log as a "curious
circumstance" that albeit he brought his baggage on board the ship in a
newspaper, he took it ashore in four trunks, a queensware crate, and a
couple of champagne baskets. But when he came back insinuating in an
insolent, swaggering way, that some of his things were missing, and
was going to search the other passengers' baggage, it was too much,
and they threw him overboard. They watched long and wonderingly for

him to come up, but not even a bubble rose on the quietly ebbing tide.
But while every one was most absorbed in gazing over the side, and the
interest was momentarily increasing, it was observed with
consternation that the vessel was adrift and the anchor cable hanging
limp from the bow. Then in the ship's dimmed and ancient log we find
this quaint note:
"In time it was discouvered yt ye troblesome passenger hadde gonne
downe and got ye anchor, and toke ye same and solde it to ye dam
sauvages from ye interior, saying yt he hadde founde it, ye sonne of a
ghun!"
Yet this ancestor had good and noble instincts, and it is with pride that
we call to mind the fact that he was the first white person who ever
interested himself in the work of elevating and civilizing our Indians.
He built a commodious jail and put up a gallows, and to his dying day
he claimed with satisfaction that he had had a more restraining and
elevating influence on the Indians than any other reformer that ever,
labored among them. At this point the chronicle becomes less frank and
chatty, and closes abruptly by saying that the old voyager went to see
his gallows perform on the first white man ever hanged in America, and
while there received injuries which terminated in his death.
The great grandson of the "Reformer" flourished in sixteen hundred
and something, and was known in our annals as, "the old Admiral,"
though in history he had other titles. He was long in command of fleets
of swift vessels, well armed and, manned, and did great service in
hurrying up merchantmen. Vessels which he followed and kept his
eagle eye on, always made good fair time across the ocean. But if a
ship still loitered in spite of all he could do, his indignation would grow
till he could contain himself no longer--and then he would take that
ship home where he lived and, keep it there carefully, expecting the
owners to come for it, but they never did. And he would try to get the
idleness and sloth out of the sailors of that ship by compelling, them to
take invigorating exercise and a bath. He called it "walking a plank."
All the pupils liked it. At any rate, they never found any fault with it
after trying it. When the owners were late coming for their ships, the

Admiral always burned them, so that the insurance money should not
be lost. At last this fine old tar was cut down in the fulness of his years
and honors. And to her dying day, his poor heart-broken widow
believed that if he had been cut down fifteen minutes sooner he might
have been resuscitated.
Charles Henry Twain lived during the latter part of the seventeenth
century, and was a zealous and distinguished missionary. He converted
sixteen thousand South Sea islanders, and taught them that a dog-tooth
necklace and a pair of spectacles was not enough clothing to come to
divine service in. His poor flock loved him very, very dearly; and when
his funeral