A Brief Memoir | Page 9

I know well
that of many
now pardoned, for sins far deeper in
the eyes of men than any I have
committed, it might
be said that little is forgiven them in comparison
of
the load of debt that hangs over my head; and I
have sometimes
thought, that the comparison of
debtors was selected by the Saviour,
purposely to
show that guilt in the sight of God is chiefly incurred

by the neglect of His own spiritual gifts, not
in proportion merely to
the abstract morality of man's
conduct. It is certainly what we have
received
that will be required at our hands: and oh, in the
sight of
the Judge of all the earth, how much do I
owe unto my Lord! This
day, though I was not in
darkness about it, seems almost to have
overtaken me
unawares. I was not ready for it, though I knew so

well when it would come; and, oh, for that day which
I know not how
near it may be, when the account
is to be finally made up--how, how
shall I prepare?
With all the blessings, and invitations, and helps,

which the good God has given me, I am _deeply,
deeply_ involved.
How, then, can I dream of clearing
off these debts, when there can be
no doubt that
I shall daily incur more? Alas, I am too much disposed

to keep a meum_ and _tuum with heaven itself
in more senses than
one. * * * As to setting out
anew on a carte blanche, I cannot. There
lies the

deeply-stained record against me: "_I_ called," and,
oh, how
deep the meaning, "Ye did not answer."
Yes, my heart did: but to
answer, "I go, sir," does
but add to the condemnation that "I went
not."
6th Mo. 23d. This morning, I believe, the spirit
was, in measure,

willing, though the "flesh was
weak." I have thought of the lines--
"When first thou didst thy all commit
To Him upon the mercy-seat,

He gave thee warrant from that hour
To trust his wisdom, love, and
power."
My desire is to know that my all is committed, and
then, I do believe,
He will be known to be faithful
that hath promised. The care of our
salvation is
not ours; our weak understandings cannot even
fathom
the means whereby it is effected; but this
we do know, that it
indispensably requires to be
"wrought out with fear and trembling."
The Saviour
will be ours, only on condition of our being
his.
Religion must not be an acquirement, but a
transformation; and surely
that spirit, which could
not make itself, and which, when made by
God, has
but degraded itself, is unable to "create itself anew
in
Christ Jesus unto good works." No, fear and
trembling are the only
part, and that but negative,
which the spirit of man can have in
working out its
own salvation; but when led by the good spirit into

this true fear, when given to wait, and held waiting
at the feet of Jesus,
it is made able, gradually, to receive the essential gospel of salvation;
and so long
only is it in the way of salvation as it is sensible
of its
constant dependence on the one Saviour of
men.
May Friends, above all, while distinctly maintaining
the doctrine of
the influence of the Spirit on
the heart, be deeply and personally
sensible that
there is but one Saviour, even Jesus Christ, who
came
into the world to save sinners, of whom, as we
are led to true
repentance, I believe each one will be
ready to think "I am chief."
The distinguishing
practices of Friends, as to dress, language, etc. are

in no manner valuable, but when they spring from

the root of
essential Christianity. This is certainly
the great thing. "Cleanse first
the inside of the cup
and platter."
I have been grieved to fear that some would resolve
the vast meaning

of "a religious life and conversation
consistent with our Christian
profession" into
little more than "plainness of speech, behavior,
and
apparel:" then I do think it becomes a mere idol.
The tithe of "mint,
anise, and cummin" is preferred
to the weightier matters of the law.
But I am going
from the point of my own condition in the warmth

of my feelings, which have been deeply troubled at
these things of
late.
11th Mo. 18th. I believe it is one and the same
fallen nature which, at
one time, is holding me captive
to the world; at another, filling me
with impatience
and anxiety about my spiritual progress; at
another,
with self-confidence, and at another, with
despondency. Oh, the
enemy knows my many weak
sides; but I do hope and trust the Lord
will take
care of me. "Past, present, future, calmly leave to
Him
who will do all things well." If the root be
but kept living and
growing, then I need not be
anxious about the branches; but, above
all, the root
must be the husbandman's exclusive care.
11th Mo. 30th. I believe I sincerely desire that
no spurious
self-satisfaction may be mistaken for the
peace of God, that no
activity in works of self-righteousness may be mistaken for doing the
day's work
in the day. Oh, who can tell the snares that surround
me?
Yet I have