A Brief Memoir | Page 9

the Judge of all the earth, how much do I?owe unto my Lord! This day, though I was not in?darkness about it, seems almost to have overtaken me?unawares. I was not ready for it, though I knew so?well when it would come; and, oh, for that day which?I know not how near it may be, when the account?is to be finally made up--how, how shall I prepare??With all the blessings, and invitations, and helps,?which the good God has given me, I am _deeply,?deeply_ involved. How, then, can I dream of clearing?off these debts, when there can be no doubt that?I shall daily incur more? Alas, I am too much disposed?to keep a meum_ and _tuum with heaven itself?in more senses than one. * * * As to setting out?anew on a carte blanche, I cannot. There lies the?deeply-stained record against me: "_I_ called," and,?oh, how deep the meaning, "Ye did not answer."?Yes, my heart did: but to answer, "I go, sir," does?but add to the condemnation that "I went not."
6th Mo. 23d. This morning, I believe, the spirit?was, in measure, willing, though the "flesh was?weak." I have thought of the lines--
"When first thou didst thy all commit?To Him upon the mercy-seat,?He gave thee warrant from that hour?To trust his wisdom, love, and power."
My desire is to know that my all is committed, and?then, I do believe, He will be known to be faithful?that hath promised. The care of our salvation is?not ours; our weak understandings cannot even?fathom the means whereby it is effected; but this?we do know, that it indispensably requires to be?"wrought out with fear and trembling." The Saviour?will be ours, only on condition of our being?his. Religion must not be an acquirement, but a?transformation; and surely that spirit, which could?not make itself, and which, when made by God, has?but degraded itself, is unable to "create itself anew?in Christ Jesus unto good works." No, fear and?trembling are the only part, and that but negative,?which the spirit of man can have in working out its?own salvation; but when led by the good spirit into?this true fear, when given to wait, and held waiting?at the feet of Jesus, it is made able, gradually, to receive the essential gospel of salvation; and so long?only is it in the way of salvation as it is sensible?of its constant dependence on the one Saviour of?men.
May Friends, above all, while distinctly maintaining?the doctrine of the influence of the Spirit on?the heart, be deeply and personally sensible that?there is but one Saviour, even Jesus Christ, who?came into the world to save sinners, of whom, as we?are led to true repentance, I believe each one will be?ready to think "I am chief." The distinguishing?practices of Friends, as to dress, language, etc. are?in no manner valuable, but when they spring from?the root of essential Christianity. This is certainly?the great thing. "Cleanse first the inside of the cup?and platter."
I have been grieved to fear that some would resolve?the vast meaning of "a religious life and conversation?consistent with our Christian profession" into?little more than "plainness of speech, behavior,?and apparel:" then I do think it becomes a mere idol.?The tithe of "mint, anise, and cummin" is preferred?to the weightier matters of the law. But I am going?from the point of my own condition in the warmth?of my feelings, which have been deeply troubled at?these things of late.
11th Mo. 18th. I believe it is one and the same?fallen nature which, at one time, is holding me captive?to the world; at another, filling me with impatience?and anxiety about my spiritual progress; at?another, with self-confidence, and at another, with?despondency. Oh, the enemy knows my many weak?sides; but I do hope and trust the Lord will take?care of me. "Past, present, future, calmly leave to?Him who will do all things well." If the root be?but kept living and growing, then I need not be?anxious about the branches; but, above all, the root?must be the husbandman's exclusive care.
11th Mo. 30th. I believe I sincerely desire that?no spurious self-satisfaction may be mistaken for the?peace of God, that no activity in works of self-righteousness may be mistaken for doing the day's work?in the day. Oh, who can tell the snares that surround?me? Yet I have been comforted this morning,?in thinking of the declaration, "His mercies are over-all his works;" which I believe may be very especially?applied to the work of His Spirit in the soul of man.?Over this He does watch, and to this He does dispense,?day by day, His merciful protection from surrounding?dangers; "I the Lord do keep it, I will?water it every moment; lest any hurt it, I will keep?it night and day." Oh, the blessedness of a well-founded, watchful, humble trust in this keeping!
12th Mo. 27th. The mean self-indulgence of sleeping?late has come over me again, though I found, a?week or two since, after a